Still from the film "Ashes and Snow", Gregory Colbert
These are five traumas, namely the trauma of the rejected, abandoned, humiliated, betrayal and injustice. We are all born with several traumas, but they are experienced in different ways, with different intensities. Traumas originated in a previous life and are present in our new life, since we have not learned to heal and accept them.
So, we can conclude that, for example, the trauma of the rejected one originates in a situation where a person rejects another person and does not accept himself in this situation. This experience of rejection is associated with rejection of oneself, which becomes a vicious circle: I reject myself, I reject others and others reject me too…. All of this is to help me realize that I am rejecting myself. And so - for every trauma of the soul. Trauma occurs as soon as a person stops accepting himself, just as suddenly numerous wounds, injuries or diseases can arise in the human body. If a person does not deal with the healing of this trauma, it becomes more and more dangerous and, at the slightest touch, it will hurt more and more. Therefore, only we ourselves must personally realize the importance of healing our own soul trauma in order to create a completely different quality of our life.
All troubles, problems, stresses that occur to us can be associated with one of the traumas of the soul. Difficulties can be mental (anxiety, fears, etc.), emotional (guilt, emotions, anger, etc.) or manifest on a physical level (illness, illness, accidents, etc.).
From the moment a child is conceived, injuries begin to intensify by parents or those who played the role of parents. Therefore, it is important to remember that we do not suffer from trauma BECAUSE of our parents, but rather because we needed these parents with their own traumas so that we can become aware of our own traumas and begin the process of healing them.
As soon as one of the five traumas is active and we do not accept it, our reactions are instantaneous. It looks like someone is touching an open wound on your body, it gives you pain and you are sensitive to touch. Your reaction depends on how serious your wound is. The more painful the wound, the sharper and faster your reaction. When I talk about trauma, I call these reactions "wearing masks." Why? Because we are in pain, and if we do not understand our responsibility, we blame other people for hurting us (or we blame ourselves for feeling pain), and we cease to be ourselves. Taking responsibility is about feeling the pain and trauma and realizing that the other person did not hurt us, but that the suffering came from the fact that we have not yet been involved in healing the trauma.
For example, someone steps on your injured and swollen toe. Of course, you react: you are more likely to say something unpleasant, push the person away, or even hurt him yourself. Of course, such a reaction is natural. But think: if your toe was healthy and someone stepped on your foot, you probably would not have this reaction. This means that if we react too sharply to certain events or people, we cease to be ourselves. And that is why we call reactions masks. Each injury has its own mask and its own reactions.
You can read a full description of the five traumas of the soul and associated masks in the book "Five Traumas that Prevent Being Oneself". It is not difficult to recognize masks and injuries if you only take a closer look at your body structure. The more characteristics of a particular trauma are present in your body, the stronger this particular trauma of yours.
The first step in trauma healing is accepting and observing yourself when your trauma is active and you are in pain. You may feel rejected, for example, or abandoned, without wearing a proper mask. At such moments, you just need to tell yourself that now you feel rejected, and observe your thoughts, feelings and the localization of pain in the physical body. You will see how simple self-observation works wonderfully! Just observing is enough for the pain to subside and to make you feel much better. Your breathing becomes even and the pain goes away. This observation technique is also called acceptance.
Another step in healing trauma is accepting that ALL people, without exception, are born with trauma. The more you give yourself the right to live through the trauma, the more compassion and tolerance for others you will have. You will not be sensitive to moments when other people wear masks or react emotionally. So, the more you observe yourself, the easier it will be for you to observe others, without judgment or blame.
A great and effective way to heal your soul trauma is to be very mindful of your relationships with others. As soon as you notice that you are reacting to other people with pain, from trauma, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "If I listened to my needs, what would I do now?"
Take, for example, a woman who is tired after a day at work. She sees that her son (or husband) wants her attention. She would like to be alone and rest. However, due to the trauma of the abandoned woman, she fears that if she does so, her son or husband will feel abandoned. Most likely, she will not tell anyone about her desire, and will make every effort to pay due attention. If so, then her injury won, and she herself put on the mask.
Gradually, as you heal from the trauma, you will become who and what you want to be: the fugitive will learn to assert himself and take a worthy place; the addict will be happy to be alone, will be able to ask for help only if necessary, and not in order to attract attention; the masochist will show his sensuality without guilt and shame, listening and satisfying his needs before others. The controller will remain a leader and leader, but will not seek to control and suppress everyone, using lies and manipulation; the rigid one will acquire his natural sensuality and give himself the right to be imperfect.
And this is just a small fraction of the wonderful changes that you will observe in your life as you begin to heal from your soul trauma. And your environment will also be pleasantly surprised as you begin to change before our eyes! Now, there is only one thing left for you to do: make the decision to start healing your soul trauma right now, without waiting for other people to change in your place. This is the only way you can get a better quality of life, and this will only happen thanks to a unique tool - acceptance that heals everything!
Psychologist Liz Burbo, in one of his books ("Five traumas that interfere with being oneself"), describes five main mental traumas that a person experiences in his life, and which can lead him not only to psycho-emotional suffering, but also negatively affect the state physical health.
Mental trauma is the consequence of painful childhood experiences that affect a person's life and largely determine his ability to overcome difficulties.
Since a person receives these mental traumas from early childhood, Liz Burbo considers them in chronological order:
Along with the explanation of these traumas, the psychologist invites the reader to get acquainted with the so-called masks that a person is forced to create in order to protect himself from the emotional pain he has experienced.
These masks are designed to cover injuries throughout life, so each injury has its own mask: the injury was “rejected” - the mask “fugitive”, “left” - “addicted”, “humiliated” - “masochist”, “betrayed” - “ controlling ”,“ were unfair ”-“ rigid (rigid) ”.
Let us consider these traumas and masks in more detail in order to “know them by sight”, since it is they who can stand behind one or another psychosomatic ailment.
According to Liz Burbo, this injury is very deep, as it appears before the age of one year. The rejected one feels this trauma as a rejection of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist.
Prominent examples are situations such as an unwanted child, a child of the wrong gender.
It should be noted that the psychologist shares two different concepts: - a person suffering from a rejection complex. « Fugitive Mask " - the character of a person, developing as a means of avoiding the suffering of the rejected. That is, you need a mask so as not to be yourself.
A child who feels rejected and creates a fugitive mask lives in his imaginary world. In this regard, according to Liz Burbo, he can be smart, prudent, quiet and not creating problems. He feels good in his world, he can even come up with a consoling story for himself that his parents are not real, that they just messed up in the hospital and took the wrong one. He is characterized by the desire to run away from home for any reason (for example, they have a pronounced desire to go to school, although they also feel rejected there).
On the other hand, the psychologist notes, the rejected child wants his parents to notice him (he gets sick, gets serious wounds, hides in the closet and waits to be found, etc.)
Since such a child, as a rule, is less than average in body, the parents may begin to take great care of him, because of which he begins to think that he is again not accepted for who he is.
The rejected one often asks himself: what is he doing on this planet? He is attracted by everything that is connected with spirit and intellect, and he looks down on material things, as it were. This same position can explain such consequences as difficulties in sexual life.
The fugitive as a person does not believe in his own worth and does not put himself in anything, therefore he strives to be perfect in order to acquire this value. As Liz Burbo writes, the characteristic words of such a person are "nobody", "nothing", "does not exist", "disappear", etc.
Such a person usually seeks loneliness and solitude, as he is afraid of others because he does not know how to behave in front of them. He has few friends, both at school and at work, and speaks little. In turn, he is considered withdrawn and left alone, and this makes him even more lonely.
Fugitives often have problems with their skin so that they do not touch it: since the skin is a contact organ, its diseases become an unconscious way to protect themselves from touching.
Liz Burbo argues that the trauma of rejection is experienced with a parent of the same gender. However, it is not necessary that the parent has the intention of rejecting the child. The fact is that this is a personal feeling of the child: for certain reasons (which are associated with life lessons, which his soul has come to pass) does not feel acceptance or benevolence on the part of a parent of the same sex. He wants to win the love of this parent, but at the same time he is very sensitive to comments from this parent, and is always ready to decide that he is rejecting him.
In such a situation, bitterness and anger can develop in the child, often turning into hatred (like strong but disappointed love - so great is his suffering).
As Liz Burbo notes, a child is easily panicked and numb with fear in the presence of a parent or other people of the same gender. The word "panic" is often found in his vocabulary. Fear of his own panic leads to the fact that the fugitive loses his memory at a crucial moment.
As for the parent of the opposite sex, then, according to the psychologist, the fugitive himself is afraid to reject him and in every possible way restrains himself in his actions and statements in relation to him.
If the fugitive experiences the feeling of the opposite sex rejected by the parent, then he blames himself for this and rejects himself.
Liz Burbo revealed that the trauma also affects the characteristics of food intake. So, a fugitive prefers small portions, and when he experiences fits of fear, his appetite often disappears. Sometimes he is prone to anorexia, as he believes that he is too big and well-fed, although this is not so (remember the physique of the rejected one).
According to Liz Burbo, fugitives have a weakness for sweets, and they can also be attracted to alcohol or drugs.
Also, such a person may develop a depressive or manic-depressive state, the result of which may be a plan to commit suicide. Sometimes, because of adoration of your idol, psychosis can develop.
To leave is to leave a person, to retire temporarily or permanently. If the rejected one experiences his trauma at the level of "to be", then the abandoned one experiences his trauma at the level of "have" and "do". Typically, this injury occurs between one and three years of age.
Feeling abandoned can develop in situations such as:
According to Liz Burbo, the physique of the addict is characterized by a lack of tone in the body: a long, thin, sagging body, the muscular system is underdeveloped and sluggish, large sad eyes, weak legs and long arms, sometimes a curved back, some parts of the body are located below normal, some parts of the body also looks drooping (shoulders, cheeks, abdomen, etc.).
According to Liz Burbo's observations, the trauma of the abandoned person is caused by a parent of the opposite sex. She also found that it is not uncommon for the trauma of the abandoned to be combined with the trauma of the rejected. A person with the trauma of the abandoned person is constantly emotionally hungry.
Trying to hide his trauma from himself, a person creates for himself the mask of an addict. The addict is sure that he is not able to achieve anything on his own, that he needs support. Such a person tends to become a victim, and there is a high probability that his parent (or both parents) were also victims.
Here the psychologist explains that the victim in this case means a person who is always inclined to create problems for himself in order to attract attention to himself, and mainly these are health problems. This is due to the need of the addict, as it seems to him that too little attention is paid to him.
Such a person is too dramatized, creating many problems for himself, since the role of the victim allows him to receive the much-needed attention.
By studying this mask, Liz Burbo discovered that the addict is often willing to play the role of the savior - which is a subtle way of getting attention. But this role negatively affects his back health, as he takes on other people's responsibilities.
The addict has periods of rise and fall (feeling happy alternates with feeling unhappy). He feels an urgent need for support from other people, he hardly accepts a refusal to his request for help, does not like to act alone.
The addict's greatest fear is associated with loneliness, and therefore clings to others. Such a person, according to the psychologist, has the most powerful ability not to see problems in his partner, since he does not want to be abandoned. In this regard, he does not like the word "leave".
The strongest emotion an addict experiences is sadness. In order not to feel it, the addict seeks the company of other people. In times of crisis, such a person can come to the idea of suicide and tell everyone about it. Although the first attempt will be unsuccessful, in the absence of sympathy, it can actually do it.
At the same time, the addict thinks that he is not worthy of the attention of another person. He is afraid of all bosses and powerful people, as they seem to him cold and indifferent.
According to the observations of Liz Burbo, the addict is prone to bulimia: she can eat a lot without gaining weight. This is due to the fact that such a person is internally tuned in to the fact that he always lacks everything.
Addicts often get sick, especially in childhood, they are weak and frail in body. Among the frequent ailments of such people, the psychologist distinguishes asthma, diseases of the bronchi, pancreas and adrenal glands, myopia, hysteria, depression, migraines, as well as rare and incurable diseases.
Humiliation is an insult, a blow to a person's dignity, which he perceives as oppression, shame and shame.
This trauma, according to Liz Burbo, awakens at the age of one to three years, when the child becomes aware of the functions of his physical body: the child learns to eat independently, go to the toilet, talk and listen to what adults tell him, etc.
The moment of the trauma awakening are situations when the child feels that the parent is ashamed of him because the child has done something, ruined, often in front of others (dirty, described, etc.).
The trauma of the humiliated is most often experienced with the mother.
According to Liz Burbo, the humiliated person creates for himself the mask of a masochist - a person who experiences satisfaction, pleasure from suffering and unconsciously seeks humiliation.
The humiliated person has a large and fat body, which, as it were, reflects his beliefs about himself as a short, unclean person.
He has a barrel-shaped body due to excess fat. If the injury is shallow, then only some parts of the body (abdomen, buttocks, chest) will be rounded. The physique of a masochist is also distinguished by a short waist, a thick, flowing neck, a round face with wide open innocent eyes.
The masochist seeks to prove his reliability and diligence, therefore he takes on a lot of work and responsibilities. As Liz Burbo writes, such a person has the gift of being drawn into situations in which he must deal with someone, help someone, take care of someone, gradually forgetting about himself. Moreover, the more he takes on himself, the more his weight becomes.
The weight and size of the body of the masochist grow and take up more and more space due to the fact that he himself wants to take a place in life. Therefore, interfering in the lives of loved ones, he does everything for them, not realizing that thereby humiliates them.
Liz Burbo argues that it is difficult for a masochist to express his true needs and feelings, because from early childhood he is afraid to speak, because he is afraid to experience shame (or cause others to experience shame). As a rule, such a person is hypersensitive, and any trifle can hurt him. At the same time, he is ready to make others laugh, presenting himself as an object of ridicule.
The masochist perceives criticism with a sense of humiliation and his own worthlessness. But he himself considers himself much more worthless and insignificant and worthless than he really is (hence the favorite words "a little", "a little"). Therefore, he loves small houses, cars, objects, etc.
Such a person tends to punish himself. As confirmation of this, he even likes to take the blame of others on himself and apologize.
The biggest fear for such a person is freedom, therefore he always unconsciously arranges so as not to be free.
The main ailments of the masochist Liz Burbo includes back pain, a feeling of heaviness on the shoulders, respiratory diseases, problems with the legs and feet (varicose veins, sprains, fractures), liver problems, sore throat, tonsillitis and laryngitis, thyroid diseases, skin itching and scabies, pancreatic disease, heart disease. Soda, however, should be attributed to surgery as a consequence of his belief in the inevitability of suffering.
To betray is to stop being faithful. Betrayal is associated with the inability to trust and rely.
According to Liz Burbo, this trauma awakens between the ages of two and four, when sexual energy develops and the so-called Oedipus complex arises (when there is an unconscious or conscious attraction to the parent of the opposite sex). Hence, trauma is experienced only with a parent (or with another person acting as that parent) of the opposite sex.
The psychologist revealed that those who suffer from the trauma of betrayal did not resolve the Oedipus complex in childhood: their attachment to the parent of the opposite sex remained too strong, which in adulthood began to influence relationships with the opposite sex. Such people constantly compare their partners with their parent and expect from them the same that this parent could not give them.
A devoted child tends to feel that he is needed, he especially wants the parent of the opposite sex to be good.
Liz Burbo lists situations that trigger the trauma of betrayal: if a parent of the opposite sex fails to keep his promise or abuses such a child's trust, the child feels betrayed by that parent. A feeling of betrayal in a child also appears when a parent of the same sex is betrayed by a parent of the opposite sex, as well as in a situation when the father removes his little daughter from himself because a new child was born - a boy.
A child who has begun to experience such trauma creates a mask of “controlling” for himself in order to ensure the fulfillment of the tasks undertaken, to remain faithful, to justify responsibility, or to demand all of this from others.
According to Liz Burbo, the controller creates a body for himself, which is distinguished by strength and power, as if saying: "I am responsible for everything, you can trust me." So, the controlling man is distinguished by beautiful broad shoulders, and the controlling woman is distinguished by the width and "bulk" in the abdomen, buttocks, and thighs.
The gaze of the controller is intent, so such a person grasps the situation very quickly. His gaze keeps the enemy at a distance, and probes the weak, intimidates. But this is just a way to hide your weakness and vulnerability.
According to Liz Burbo's characterization, supervisors do everything in their power to be strong, responsible, special and significant people. In this way, they satisfy their ego, which does not want to see how many times he betrays himself or others.
The supervisor has the highest expectations, as he loves to anticipate and control everything in order to check whether others are doing well, what they should do and whether they can be relied on.
The psychologist describes the controller as a strong personality. Such a person actively asserts what he believes in and expects others to fully accept his beliefs. He is firmly convinced that he is right and expresses his opinion in a categorical tone.
At the same time, the controller avoids conflict situations for fear of losing control. He is afraid of commitment out of fear of reneging on commitment (because he considers giving up his commitment a betrayal that he experienced as a child from his parent of the opposite sex, not fulfilling his obligations in accordance with his expectations).
He often has mood swings. He is impatient with slow people, as he loves speed and speed of action (including fast eating). Such a person does not like to be late, does not like to entrust others with things, since this can lead to losing control. He is more demanding of others than of himself. Reputation for him is above everything, even above the happiness of his children.
The controller does not like to be controlled or corrected after him, since he likes to do everything in his own way.
Such a person is prone to "futurization": he is constantly busy planning the near future, so he practically does not realize the essence of the present.
It is very important for the controller to show others his strength and courage, but he can hardly trust another because of the fear that his information could be used against him. He is very sensitive, but it is almost impossible to notice.
The strongest fear in the controller is associated with disintegration, separation, rupture (divorce), and also with renunciation (understands as betrayal).
For such a person, the choice is especially difficult, since it seems to him that due to the wrong choice he may lose control.
Liz Burbo explains injustice as a lack of fairness and fairness. A person feels a sense of injustice when he does not see the recognition of his dignity, when it seems to him that he does not receive what he deserves.
According to the psychologist, this trauma awakens at the age of three to five years, during the period of development of the child's individuality, when he realizes that he is a human being, a separate integral entity with its own characteristics. The child feels as injustice that he cannot be whole and inviolable, cannot express himself and be himself.
The trauma of injustice is experienced, as a rule, with the parent of the same gender: the child suffers from his coldness (as it seems to the child), imperiousness, severity, from his constant remarks.
Liz Burbo argues that a child with this trauma creates a mask of rigidity for himself in order to isolate himself from the experiences he is experiencing, thus protecting himself. But the fact that he cuts himself off from experiences does not mean that he does not feel anything. On the contrary, such a person is very sensitive, but he develops the ability not to feel his sensitivity and not to show it to others. Therefore, a rigid person looks cold and insensitive.
The psychologist characterizes such a person as having a straight, rigid, and often perfect body. The physique is proportional, the shoulders are straight and the same width as the hips. Rigid people are usually more afraid of weight gain than others. They are characterized by dynamic, but not flexible enough movements, clenched jaws, proudly straightened neck, clear skin and a clear look.
Small stature is characteristic of rigid women. Such individuals love tight belts and clothes that highlight the waist. This is because by pinching their waist (solar plexus area), they will feel less.
According to Liz Burbo, already in childhood, the rigid person notices (or thinks so) that he is appreciated for what he does, and not for what he is. Therefore, he becomes hardworking, executive, gets used to independently getting out of difficult situations.
A characteristic gesture inherent in rigid individuals is crossing the arms on the chest as a symbol of blocking the solar plexus area (so as not to feel). For the same purpose, such individuals like to wear black clothes.
As Liz Burbo writes, a rigid person achieves correctness and justice at any cost, he himself also strives to be perfect in everything and just. He is most inclined to envy, especially those who, in his opinion, deserve less, but receive more.
The psychologist notes that to deserve, according to merit, according to merit are the key concepts of a rigid person, since he loves to seek justice. And it is very important for him to make sure that what he receives, he deserves (otherwise, he may refuse the award). In this regard, the rigid person does not like to accept gifts.
However, rigid people tend to exaggerate. So, they like to use the words "never", "always", "very" ("you are always not there").
To hide their sensitivity and emotions, rigid ones resort to laughter. For the same reason, when asked about business, he always answers "Excellent!" (even if it isn't).
The biggest fear of the rigid is the fear of making a mistake, since they are always preoccupied with perfection. Perhaps that is why they are more likely to suffer from professional exhaustion than others. Another big fear is the fear of coldness.
And the most painful injustice, says Liz Burbo, the rigid ones experience from themselves, as they often blame themselves (that they buy something for themselves, that they have a rest, etc.).
Most often, rigid ones experience an emotion of anger (especially in relation to themselves).
Among the main ailments of rigid Liz Burbo emphasizes the inflexibility and tension of the upper back, in the neck, knees, elbows and other flexible parts of the body. This list includes diseases that end - it, also nervous exhaustion, nervousness, insomnia, constipation, hemorrhoids, spasms, convulsions, circulatory problems and varicose veins, skin problems (dryness, acne, psoriasis), liver disorders, visual impairment.
Earlier, we wrote that the considered injuries can negatively affect both mental and physical health of a person. The key word here is “may,” which means that if certain conditions are met, this can be avoided. What are these conditions? They just overlap with the ways of healing psychosomatic ailments.
Observing and analyzing events and people in your life will help you see the problem. Liz Burbo emphasizes the following pattern: the deeper the trauma of a person, the more he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected (betrayed, humiliated, etc.) or rejects (betrays, humiliates, etc.) himself. And the more he does this in relation to himself, the stronger his fear of being rejected, betrayed, humiliated, etc.
We blame others for what we do not want to see in ourselves. Therefore, a person attracts the appropriate people or situations: in order to see through them what is in him.
Since, according to Liz Burbo's theory, wherever a person with a mental trauma comes, wherever he tries to hide from situations reminiscent of his trauma, this suffering will haunt him only for one simple reason - the trauma sits in him, in his inner world, in his soul.
From here, healing will begin to occur only when a person stops running away from himself, from his mental pain, when he realizes that the people around him are not guilty of anything, like himself. He just came to this Earth to go through this experience and, being healed, to be free.
What needs to be done for successful healing? The answer lies in the cause of the injury. As Liz Burbo points out, the main cause of any injury is the inability to forgive oneself for the injury inflicted on oneself or others.
This means that the first and most important thing is to forgive both yourself and others. In fact, it is easy to do this if you know the essence of your trauma and accept that “Yes, it so happened that I wanted to go through this experience, so I drew on the appropriate circumstances of my life (parents, relatives, events) so that they showed me that it is inside me. This means that there is no one to blame, since all of them, including myself, played their roles in this play (called Life). I understand that all this was done not out of malice, but for the good of my soul, my development. Therefore, I easily forgive myself and others for the pain (as a signal that something is wrong) that was part of this experience and caused suffering to everyone who participated in this play. I thank myself and everyone for this experience that made me wiser. "
One strong Soul wanted to know what forgiveness is and what it means to forgive. Other Souls first dissuaded her, then out of love for her, agreed to help. One Soul said that only because of a great love for her, it agrees to be embodied by her parent and will humiliate and scold constantly so that she understands what forgiveness is and what forgiving. Another Soul also agreed to help and said that it would incarnate as her husband and would beat, offend and change, so that she would understand what forgiveness is and what it means to forgive. This Soul said that it would do it only because it loves it very much. And other Souls flew up to her and said that only because of love for her they were ready to go with her to Earth as her future naughty children, betraying friends and other relatives who bring her suffering. Only for her sake. When they all incarnated on Earth, they forgot about the contract. The Soul that wanted to go through the experience of forgiveness, for the sake of which all other Souls did what they had promised, has also forgotten: they came into her life and began to help her see the experience she had chosen.
Can you really blame or hate someone after that?
I wish you to see your (chosen by you) experience and go through it with an understanding of the essence and gratitude to all the actors (including yourself).
- a fascinating and deep work about the properties of the subconscious and the tricks of our Ego. The author Liz Burbo, an esotericist and psychologist, painstakingly collected a huge amount of material in which she explained the reasons for life failures and walking in a vicious circle of the chosen response models. The difference between this largely esoteric work from classical psychology is that the explanations of our traumas are given not so much within the framework of the physical world, but are explained by the agreement of kindred souls to help each other go through important experiences for the further evolution of consciousness and, ultimately, awareness of their divinity. In other words, our soul deliberately goes through such an experience in order to learn Unconditional Love and fulfill the task of incarnation.
How often we are faced with the fact that the world, as if by some unspoken "law of meanness," slips us the same situations, each time checking our endurance and resilience. We unsuccessfully fall in love with the same men or women, we cannot get out of the vicious circle of lack of money or unfulfillment, again and again we step on the same rake in choosing important decisions, we blame the world for the impossibility of giving us the desired happiness. And no matter how many bumps we have in our arsenal, the situation has not changed for decades.
Everything happens because, explains Liz Burbo, that we are automatic in our reactions to life events. Our ability to abstract and look at what is happening more widely collapses as soon as the situation touches the most painful places. And the notorious "law of meanness" will invariably operate until we manage to see the destructive system of our response, jagged over the years of childhood and adolescence, and completely reconsider our capabilities.
The true goal of the soul is to accept itself along with all experiences, mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, desires and subpersonalities. This natural desire to be oneself already in childhood causes discontent among parents and others, which is followed by prohibitions, reprimands, swearing and the formation of a sense of guilt in the child. Our desire to be ourselves becomes something shameful over time, but it does not go away. So that the painful inability to open up does not injure the soul every time, the Ego creates a mask. And you need to immediately understand that this mask is a lifeline, a healing protection from pain and trials, but unconscious wearing it does not allow us to fully realize our uniqueness.
According to the author's gradation, 5 mental traumas interfere with a person, and each injury generates a protective mask that is unconsciously put on in any difficult situations. Injuries can occur singly or together, in a bright or latent manifestation. Each trauma is tightly connected with working out a karmic task with one of the parents. Masks, designed for self-defense, also appear in the person's appearance and physique.
Trauma Forsaken - Mask Fugitive (survivors with same gender parent)
Trauma Abandoned - Mask Addicted (experienced with a parent of the opposite sex)
Trauma Humiliated - Masochist Mask (always worried with the mother)
Trauma Betrayal - Mask Controlling (experienced with opposite sex parent)
Trauma Injustice - Rigid Mask (experienced with same gender parent)
The book provides a comprehensive description of each injury. It's amazing how completely and accurately our reactions are sometimes described, how the models of behavior of our parents are thoroughly spelled out, in response to which our ego formed a protective barrier. Masks not only shape behavior, they create a mindset that is invariably tied to the trauma experienced. Over time, bitterness and resentment against one of the parents is transferred to other persons of the same sex. We also tend to treat others according to our trauma, not realizing that we most do not want to be treated like this.
By understanding what trauma we carry with us from childhood, it will be easier for us to achieve a state of inner peace and acceptance of ourselves. In fact, the book teaches that every situation in which there is some kind of internal emotional discomfort is a reason to track your reaction and go into the depths of fears in order to heal yourself of them forever. But that's not all. Our masks are doors to be left behind on the path to remembering our own perfection. After all, each of us is one God, experiencing the experience of earthly existence.
Personally, after reading, I discovered in myself two pronounced traumas - Injustice and Betrayal. Knowing the intricacies of my reaction in each situation now gives me the opportunity to change my internal assessment in order not to receive an unwanted response from the world. Moreover, in communicating with people, I began to notice these masks in them, and this allows me now to more sensitively understand the reasons for human behavior, abandon labels, cliches and critical judgment and sympathize with those traits of their character that previously seemed to me to be a manifestation bad temper. Ultimately, the observation of masks teaches a person a mindfulness that greatly simplifies life and adds a lot of reasons for universal happiness, joy and a harmonious stay on Earth.
Liz Burbo constantly reminds us that we need our traumas not for greater self-criticism and self-condemnation, and in no case for realizing our own imperfection, but, on the contrary, for self-knowledge and learning Unconditional Love. And to love unconditionally is, first of all, to accept, even if you do not agree and do not understand the reasons.
© Oksana Bortsova
Before we are born, we make a decision about what problem we will have to solve in the upcoming incarnation.
This decision, like everything that was previously accumulated in the memory of the soul, is not recorded in our conscious memory (the memory of the intellect). Only throughout our lives do we gradually become aware of our life plan and what we need to deal with.
It happens that we accept a situation or a person, but at the same time we do not forgive ourselves, we do not give ourselves the right to be angry with it - in the past or in the present. This is called "taking only experience." Again, there is a significant difference between accepting experience and accepting yourself. The latter is more difficult to accomplish: our ego does not want to admit that we go through all our most difficult experiences only to make sure that we ourselves behave with others in exactly the same way.
Have you noticed that when you accuse someone of something, the same person accuses you of the same?
Even before birth, your inner GOD draws your soul to that environment and to that family that you will need in your future life. This magnetic attraction, as well as its goals, are predetermined, on the one hand, by the fact that in previous lives you have not learned to live in love and acceptance, and on the other, by the fact that your future parents have their own problem that they must solve through the child, that is, through you. This explains the fact that usually both parents and children have to deal with the same trauma.
Once you are born, you are no longer aware of your entire past, because you are focused on the needs of your soul; and your soul wants you to accept yourself along with all your acquired experience, mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, desires, subpersonalities, etc.
We all feel this need. However, soon after we are born, we begin to notice that our desire to be ourselves causes resentment among adults and others. And we conclude that being natural is wrong, wrong. This discovery is not pleasant, and often it causes outbursts of anger in a child.
In my experience, most children go through the following four stages:
1st stage - cognition of the joy of existence, of being oneself;
2nd stage - suffering from the fact that you cannot be yourself;
3rd stage - a period of crisis, riot;
4th stage - in order to avoid suffering, the child gives in and in the end builds a new personality out of himself, corresponding to what adults want from him.
Some people get bogged down in the third stage and are constantly in a state of opposition, anger, or crisis throughout their lives.
During the third and fourth stages, we create new personalities in ourselves, masks - several masks that serve to protect us from the pain experienced at the second stage. There are only five of these masks, and they correspond to the five main mental trauma that a human being has to endure.
Many years of observation allowed me to state that all human suffering can be reduced to these five injuries. Here they are in chronological order, that is, in the order of their appearance in a person's life:
Rejected
LEFT
DOWNLOADED
Betrayed
Were UNFAIR.
CREATING MASKS
The creation of masks is a consequence of our desire to hide our unsettled problem from ourselves or from other people. Concealment is nothing more than a form of betrayal.
What are these masks? Here is a list of them along with the injuries they are trying to cover up.
Injuries - Masks
Forsaken - Fugitive
Abandoned - Addicted
Humiliated - Masochist
Betrayal - Controlling
Injustice - Rigid
The deeper your wound, the more often you suffer from it and the more often you have to wear your mask.
We only wear a mask when we want to protect ourselves. For example, if a person feels the injustice shown to him under some circumstances, or judges himself for being unfair, or is afraid that he will be condemned for injustice, he puts on a rigid mask, that is, begins to behave like a tough, rigid person. ...
The role of a parent of the same sex is to teach us to love - to love ourselves and to give love. A parent of the opposite sex must teach to allow love and accept love.
CHARACTERISTICS OF PSYCHOTRAUM
Characteristics of the rejected trauma.
Trauma awakening: from the moment of conception to one year; with a parent of the same gender. Doesn't feel right to exist.
Mask: fugitive.
Parent: of the same sex.
Body: compressed, narrow, brittle, fragmented.
Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; the impression of a mask around the eyes.
Dictionary:"Nothing", "nobody", "does not exist", "disappear", "I'm sick of ...".
Character: Detachment from the material. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. Doesn't believe in his right to exist.
Sexual difficulties. Considers himself useless, insignificant. Seeks solitude. Stews. Knows how to be invisible. Finds a variety of escape routes. Easily goes to the astral. He thinks that he is not understood. He cannot allow his inner child to live in peace.
Most afraid of: panic.
Nutrition: Appetite is often lost due to an influx of emotion or fear. Eats in small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape routes. Predisposition to anorexia.
Typical diseases: Cutaneous, diarrhea, arrhythmia, respiratory failure, allergies, vomiting, fainting, coma, hypoglycemia, diabetes, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosis.
Abandoned trauma characteristics:
Trauma awakening: Between one and three years old, with a parent of the opposite sex. Lack of emotional or certain type of nutrition.
Mask: Dependent.
Body: Elongated, thin, lacking tone, drooping; the legs are weak, the back is bent, the arms seem excessively long and hang down along the body, some parts of the body look flabby, sagging.
Eyes: Big, sad. Eye-catching.
Dictionary:"Absent", "one", "can't stand", "eat", "do not leave".
Character: Victim. Inclined to merge with someone or something. Needs presence, attention, support, reinforcement. Difficulty doing or deciding alone.
Seeks advice, but does not always follow it. Children's voice. She painfully perceives refusals. Sadness. Cries easily. Causes pity. Sometimes joyful, sometimes sad. Physically clings to others. Nervous. Pop star. Strives for independence. Loves sex.
Most afraid of: Loneliness.
Nutrition: A good appetite. Bulimia. Loves soft foods. Eats slowly.
Typical diseases: Back pain, asthma, bronchitis, migraines, hypoglycemia, agoraphobia, diabetes, adrenal diseases, myopia, hysteria, depression, rare diseases (requiring long-term attention), incurable diseases.
Characteristics of the trauma of the humiliated.
Trauma awakening: in the period from one to three years, with a parent who is involved in the physical development of the child (usually the mother). Lack of freedom. Feelings of humiliation due to this parent's control.
Mask: Masochist.
Body: Thick, round, short stature, thick tight neck, tension in the throat, neck, jaw and pelvis. The face is round and open.
Dictionary:"Worthy", "unworthy", "small", "fat".
Character: Often ashamed of herself or others, or afraid of causing shame. Dislikes walking fast. Knows his needs, but does not listen to them. Shoulders a lot. Resorts to control to avoid shame.
He considers himself unkempt, heartless, a pig, worse than others. Inclined to merge. Arranges in such a way as not to be free, because “to be free” for him means “to be unrestrained”. Sometimes he is unrestrained, then he is afraid to cross the line of what is permitted.
Loves the role of the mother. Overly sensitive. Punishes herself, believing she is punishing someone else. Strives, wants to be worthy. Often disgusted. Increased sensuality is combined with shame in sexual behavior. Does not take into account their sexual needs. Revealed in food.
Most afraid of: Freedom.
Nutrition: Loves hearty, fatty foods, chocolate. Gluttonous or, conversely, eats in small portions. He is ashamed to buy for himself and use "delicacies".
Typical diseases: Pain in the back, shoulders, throat, tonsillitis, laryngitis, diseases of the respiratory tract, legs, feet, varicose veins, sprains, fractures, dysfunctions of the liver, thyroid gland, pruritus, hypoglycemia, diabetes, heart disease.
Characteristics of the trauma of betrayal.
Trauma awakening: in the period from two to four years, with a parent of the opposite sex. Collapse of trust or unfulfilled expectations in the love-sexual sphere. Manipulation.
Mask: Supervising.
Body: Radiates strength and power. The man's shoulders are wider than the hips. A woman's hips are wider and stronger than the shoulders. Wheeled chest. Belly too.
Eyes: The gaze is intent, seductive. Eyes that see everyone at a glance.
Dictionary:"Separate (Xia)", "do you understand?"
Character: He considers himself to be very responsible and strong. Strives to be special and important. Doesn't keep its promises and commitments or makes efforts to keep them. Lies easily.
Manipulator. Seducer. Has a lot of expectations. The mood is uneven. I am convinced that I am right and strives to convince others. Impatient. Intolerant.
Understands and acts quickly. Good performer because he wants to be noted. Circus performer. It is difficult to trust. Doesn't show his vulnerability. Skeptic. Afraid to break or relinquish an obligation.
Most afraid of: Disconnection; divorce; renunciation.
Nutrition: A good appetite. Eats fast. Adds salt and spices. He may not eat for a long time, while he is busy, but then he loses control of food.
Typical diseases: Diseases of control and loss of control, agoraphobia, spasmophilia, disorders of the digestive system, diseases that end in -it, oral herpes.
Characteristics of injustice trauma.
Trauma awakening: between the ages of four and six, with a parent of the same gender. The duty is to be efficient and perfect. Blocking personality.
Mask: Rigid.
Body: Straight, tough and, to the extent possible, perfect. Good proportions. Rounded buttocks. Short, tight-fitting clothing, or a tight belt. Restrained movement. The skin is light. Compressed jaws. The neck is tense, straight. Posture is proud.
Eyes: The look is radiant, alive. The eyes are light.
Dictionary:“No problem”, “always, never”, “very good, very kind”, “very specific”, “exactly”, “absolutely, fair”, “of course”, “do you agree?”
Character: Strives for excellence. Envious. Detached from his own feelings. He crosses his arms often. Productive - to be perfect. Overly optimistic. Lively, dynamic. It is often justified. He is very reluctant to seek help.
Laughing at trifles - to hide your sensitivity. The tone of voice is dry and tense. Doesn't admit that he has problems. Doubts about the correctness of his choice. Compares himself according to the principle "who is better - who is worse."
With difficulty accepts anything: he considers it unfair to receive less than others, but it is even more unfair to receive more.
Very rarely allows himself to enjoy pleasure, as he usually experiences feelings of guilt because of them. He does not take into account his limitations, he is too demanding of himself. Controls himself. Loves order. Rarely sick, indifferent or ruthless to his body. Choleric. Cold, does not know how to show his feelings. Likes to look sexy.
Most afraid of: Coldness.
Nutrition: Prefers salty foods to sweet ones. Loves everything crispy. Controls himself so as not to get fat. He is ashamed and justified when he loses control over himself in food.
Typical diseases: Nervous exhaustion (occupational), frigidity (in women), premature ejaculation or impotence (in men). Diseases ending in "-itis" - tendinitis, bursitis, arthritis, etc.
Torticollis, constipation, hemorrhoids, spasms and convulsions, circulatory disorders, liver dysfunctions. Varicose veins, skin diseases, nervousness, insomnia, poor eyesight.
P.S. I remind you that the characteristics and actions described in this chapter occur only if a person decides to wear a rigid mask, hoping in this way to avoid suffering from injustice.
Depending on the depth of the injury, this mask can be worn either infrequently and for a short time, or very often.
The fugitive fears panic the most.
- The greatest fear of the addict is loneliness
- The masochist fears freedom most of all.
- The controller is most afraid of separation and renunciation.
- Rigid is most afraid of coldness
STEPS TO HEALING
The first step to healing a trauma is acknowledging and accepting it.; this, however, does not at all mean approval and consent to its existence.
To accept is to look at her, to observe her, not forgetting at the same time that a person lives for this, in order to settle problems that have not yet been resolved.
If something hurts you, it does not mean that you are a bad person.
We are angry with the parent - unconsciously - also because he has the same trauma that we have. That is, he becomes in our eyes a model, a model of a person with this trauma, thereby obliging us to look at ourselves. And we, generally speaking, would like to see a different model, although we usually do not realize this either.
This is what explains our desire not to be like our parents in any way. We hate to see ourselves reflected in them. Trauma cannot be healed except through true forgiveness of one's parents and oneself.
On the other hand, when any of the five traumas are experienced with people of a different gender than the parent we hold responsible for our trauma, then we get angry with ourselves.
It is during such periods that we tend to punish ourselves, using an accident or any other means of physical harm.
When your rejected trauma activates, you put on the fugitive mask. This mask makes you want to get away from the situation or from people because of whom you think you will be rejected; you are afraid of panic and feelings of powerlessness.
This mask can also convince you to become as invisible as possible, withdraw into yourself and not speak or do anything that would induce others to reject you. This mask makes you believe that you are not such an important being to take the place that you occupy, that you have no right to exist in the fullness in which others exist.
When your abandoned trauma activates, you put on the addict mask. It makes you like a little child who seeks and demands attention - you cry, complain and submit to everything and everyone, because you do not believe that you are able to act independently.
When the trauma of humiliation activates, you put on a masochist mask. It allows you to forget your own needs and think only of others in order to become a good, generous person, always ready to provide services, even beyond your capabilities.
You also manage to put on your back the affairs and responsibilities of those who usually neglect them, and you do it even before they ask you to. You do everything to be useful, so as not to feel humiliated.
Thus, you manage to never be free - this is very important for you. Whenever your behavior or your actions are motivated by fear of self-shame or fear of humiliation, it is a sign for you that you have put on the mask of a masochist.
When you experience the trauma of betrayal, you put on a controlling mask that makes you distrustful, skeptical, cautious, overbearing, and intolerant - all related to your expectations. You do everything to show that you are a strong personality, and will not allow you to be fooled or used so easily, and even more so to decide for you - rather, everything will be the other way around.
This mask makes you cunning, even to the point of lying, so as not to lose your reputation as a strong one. You forget your own needs and make every effort to ensure that others think that you are a reliable person and you can be trusted. In addition, this mask requires maintaining ostentatious self-confidence, even when you distrust yourself and doubt your own decisions and actions.
When your trauma of injustice intensifies, you put on a rigid mask that imparts coldness, harshness, dryness to your movements and tone of voice. The body also becomes as rigid, rigid as the behavior.
Stage Two - Feeling Pain when we discover that we cannot be ourselves, because this does not suit the adults around us. Unfortunately, adults do not understand that the child is trying to discover himself, to find out who he is, and instead of allowing him to be himself, they mainly inspire him with what he should be.
The third stage is a rebellion against the suffering experienced. At this stage, the child begins to experience crises, resistance to parents.
The last stage is surrender, surrender of positions: a decision is made to create a mask for oneself so as not to disappoint others, and most importantly - so as not to experience again and again the suffering that arises from the fact that you are not accepted as you are.
Healing will take place when you go through all four stages in reverse order, starting with the fourth and ending with the first, where you become yourself again. And the first step on this return journey is becoming aware of the mask you are wearing. The previous five chapters will help you to understand it, each of which is devoted to a different trauma.
The second stage is a feeling of indignation, rebellion when reading these chapters, an unwillingness to admit one's responsibility, a desire to blame others for their suffering. Tell yourself in this case that it is a completely human property to resist when you discover in yourself what you do not love. Everyone experiences this stage in their own way.
In the third stage, you must give yourself the right to the suffering you have experienced and to be bitter towards one or both of your parents. While re-experiencing the suffering you experienced in childhood, you will become imbued with the greater sympathy and compassion for the child in you, the deeper and more seriously you go through this stage.
At the same stage, you must leave your anger with your parents and find compassion for their suffering.
Finally, in the fourth stage, you become yourself and stop believing that you still need your protective masks. You take for granted that your life will be filled with experiences that serve the knowledge of what is good for you and what is bad.
This is self-love. Since love has a great healing and inspiring power, prepare for a variety of changes in your life - both at the level of relationships with other people and at the level of your physical body.
Remember: loving yourself means giving yourself the right to be who you are in the present moment. Loving yourself means accepting yourself, even if you do to others what you reproach them for. Love has nothing to do with what you do or what you possess.
