Dear experts! My husband and I lived happily, as they say, in trouble and in joy for 13 years. My husband first cheated on me, I forgave, overcame my pain. And half a month ago, he admitted that he still loves her, but said that he loves me too, that he is rushing between two fires. This recognition did not happen by itself, but I just pulled it out. Because it is clear that he is rushing about: either he is cheerful, joking, with children, then he sat down at the computer, loaded, gloomy. With her, he tries not to maintain a relationship, but works together and sees every day. We talked all day, I asked to think about the children. He decided to stay with me and the children, I think that I put pressure all the same, painted that it would be the same with the other over time, not every day you will fly on wings out of love, you will never be a dad for her child, and their two will be forgotten under her own pressure (no one will like that a husband will go to his first wife, even if these are meetings with children). He is with us, I took care of myself, I go to the gym, the youngest child has already grown up, my husband and I have the opportunity to go somewhere together. Now he is already saying that he did not have love for her, but some kind of whim. He says that he loves me very much and has always loved only me. I try to be affectionate, gentle, kind, sincere with him, to pay more attention to him - after all, you, psychologists, write that a husband will not leave peace in the family. But in my heart I try to figure out how we will live without him, what we will do, I figure out how I will wake up alone in the morning, i.e. as if preparing myself if he leaves, so as not to go crazy. I am a self-sufficient person, I head a serious department at work, I have always considered myself strong, I am beautiful, slim, smart. And it turns out that he cheated on me, loves another, and I am so forgiving, I care about him even more, I show my love even more ... Is this right. Another moment - our second child is 3 years old, he all the time requires my attention, whines constantly in the evening, almost something goes wrong - he yells, freaks out, he is restless, with a stubborn character. It also infuriates my husband, it seems like we all don’t give him peace we give: neither to watch a movie in peace, nor to play computer games. Although, of course, he loves it. And the husband does not want to do anything around the house, probably he has depression. It turns out that I forgave everything, I carry the entire household on my shoulders. And I try to make him calm. And there is resentment, and anger, and I don’t want to lose him. It's very difficult for me. Please answer me just a few questions, but just know that I love him very, very much and do not want to part with him. 1. Can a man love two women? 2. How to distract yourself in a small town at a time when nothing is interesting. 3. Do you try to keep such a family? 4. If the husband is loaded (and I, of course, think that at this moment he is thinking about her) - should I ask what is in his soul or not pay attention?
Rare relationships between a man and a woman can be called easy, uncomplicated. No wonder they say: where feelings begin, logic ends there. It seems that everything is fine, family, children, a joint well-established life, joint rest and so on. What else do you want? And what else do you need?
And then, like a bolt from the blue, treason breaks in, and not just treason for the sake of sex, but for great and pure love. The relationship in the love triangle is very complex, there are three main characters on the stage - she, he and she. So what's the right thing to do? How to deal with this difficult situation? Many women ask these, and not only questions, but to be honest, the most important question is: how to return a beloved man, how to return love? That love that was at the first time of dating!?
Sooner or later, such thoughts visit every woman, in some cases they may not be justified, but sometimes they turn out to be true. Unfortunately, the presence of a stamp in the passport, an oath, is not a guarantee that a man will always love his wife, and most importantly, will be forever faithful and faithful. This happens only in fairy tales, and with very rare exceptions.
In real life, everything is different, over the years of marriage, many women are faced with a husband's love for another woman, and, accordingly, infidelity. But it’s not worth throwing yourself into the pool with your head, first of all, you need to make sure that fears and suspicions are justified. And not simple conjectures - after all, we young ladies can be very impressionable. So what are the signs of falling in love?
Each situation and family is unique, each man has his own character and his own attitude to life, values and so on. But still, in most cases, male love manifests itself in the same way, only some nuances appear. As psychologists say, falling in love can be with a woman in open and closed relationships.
Open relationships imply the knowledge of the wife about the presence of any young lady with whom her husband is connected by work, interests, childhood friendship, and so on. They are forced to spend time together, and from time to time the husband and wife discuss their joint affairs and achievements.
Closed relationships are hidden from the wife; she cannot assume the passion of her husband. The husband himself is silent and does not betray the presence of a girlfriend in a single word. In each case, the signs of falling in love are slightly different.
In this case, the husband’s girlfriend “does not get off his tongue”. In a discussion of general achievements at work, or a hobby, only the contribution of the passion is discussed. In a conversation, only one can hear: “Irochka then ...”, “Irochka behold ...”. As a result of the conversation, more is known not about the successes in the affairs of the husband or the common company, but about the personal successes of Irochka.
There is also the other side of the coin, they can speak negatively about "Irochka". Sometimes a husband can tell how bad she is, but at the same time remember her every half hour. We can say that this is a sincere attempt to protect oneself from feelings for "Irochka", well, or a deliberate deception - so that no suspicions arise.
Every woman should be alerted by the fact when her husband meets, brings, takes and meets outside of working hours with "Irochka". Fears can be in vain only if the husband is a personal driver and this is his job. Although even in this situation there may be suspicions.
Of course, you can justify your husband with his kindness and gallantry, but if the husband does not find time to go to the grocery store and do his household chores, then everything is already clear. This is already a clear concern for another woman to the detriment of his own wife and family.
It is worth paying attention to constant SMS, solitary calls and correspondence on the Internet. Especially if the correspondence in social networks is under provocative pictures with subtle hints, or there are gentle emoticons in the correspondence. In this case, you need to be careful.
It is especially disturbing when meetings with "Irochka" take place to the detriment of relations with his wife. For a better understanding: for example, a cultural holiday was planned, but suddenly, my husband needed to urgently leave for work, urgently meet and discuss any business.
It would seem that everything is elementary - it is possible! Determining the love of a man in an open relationship can be simple. But there is a more complex option - a closed relationship.
In order to understand and guess about hidden love, it is necessary to show espionage qualities and wake up Sherlock Homes in yourself. The husband will not say a word about any woman, will not show his feelings.
The most important sign is the change of the husband, starting from the mood and ending with the appearance. Falling in love changes not only a woman, giving her wings, but also men. The saddest thing is that the husband begins to gradually move away, interest in communication, sex, and solving family difficulties disappears.
In the presence of hidden relationships, all men try to hide their means of communication, the phone is constantly with them, social networks are “password-protected”, and even going to the toilet, the correspondence is hidden. The husband's mood is upbeat, even in spite of overtime work, frequent business trips, for which the missus is going on a date.
Sooner or later, if a man has another love, there will be a lull in his sexual life. At first, excuses: I was tired at work, something hurts, and so on, it would seem, the little things in life, it happens to everyone. But gradually, sex generally fades into the background and the husband can speak and openly express his unwillingness.
Against this background, reproaches are added, and seemingly harmless ones, for washing dishes not clockwise, undersalted or oversalted soup, with the obligatory “prefix” like this always, for pink toilet paper and other “charms”.
These points indicate not only that the husband is in love, but also that the previous relationship, and the very concept of the family, is going to hell. So what to do? And what is the plan of action?
The most practical advice is, is it necessary to return love? Will a woman be able to survive betrayal, and never reproach her? Or is the purpose of forgiveness of betrayal of love for another lies in the possibility of constant reproaches? If so, then don't!
In order to understand whether a man is needed, you need to think about how life will change without him? You need to be honest with yourself and put aside the financial side of the issue, and analyze only from the position of feelings, think carefully about betrayal, and is complete forgiveness acceptable?
If parting is acceptable, and those relationships, oppression, and just indifference turned out to be the last, decisive straw, then you can safely cut the ropes. And go free swimming. But if it is not possible to breathe without a beloved husband, then you will have to work hard and fight to the bitter end.
In the struggle for the return of her husband's love, one must begin not with calls to a rival and a showdown, but with oneself, and initially it is necessary to work on wounded pride and self-esteem.
What is the main thing in the addition of self-esteem and self-esteem? No, not knowledge of all the poems of A.S. Pushkin, and quoting Goethe, and, first of all, appearance. Approaching the mirror, you need to evaluate yourself, not extra centimeters at the waist, but find in yourself those virtues and pluses that have faded for various reasons. By gathering all your virtues together, you get a “weapon” that will help return a man’s love. The most important advantage of a woman is that it was her man who took her to the registry office and legalized the relationship.
It’s great to increase self-esteem by changing your wardrobe, hairstyle, cardinal hair dyeing, buying stylish accessories. Moreover, in changing the image, there is a double benefit, as they say - we combine business with pleasure. The wife's self-esteem and self-awareness increase, the husband sees in front of him that beautiful woman whom he once led down the aisle.
A change in mood and behavior is also a weapon that must be used. How to hide sleepless nights with tears in the pillow? Good makeup and a permanent smile. Of course, it's hard to smile when you've been betrayed. But who said it would be easy?
Quite often, men mistake falling in love and all the charm of the candy-bouquet period for love. And the real feeling, with his wife, which has been tested over the years, has crashed on the rocks of joint life. In the arms of another woman with whom there was simply no time to start arguing, or to face some problems - good. How else? All beginning relationships are wonderful, and it seems that they are eternal.
But in fact it is a mirage. And psychologists advise letting go for a while, you should not hold on. Let the husband plunge into this relationship. Let him appreciate the housekeeping of another woman. It is difficult for many men to get used to other orders, if for many years the socks have been on the third shelf from the left, and the new “love” has them at the very bottom, in the chest of drawers. That this, sooner or later, will become the subject, if not of scandal, but of conversation for sure.
And once again, when the unfaithful husband comes home, sees the already familiar order, the smell of his favorite dishes, this will make him think. Even if he immediately left, it is not worth the tears and screams in pursuit. On the contrary, this is a great sign - the ice has broken. The next time the husband returns home for something, he will remember the smell of his home, its structure and the way that was built together over the years. He will remember his wife, whom, by the way, he did not hide from prying eyes, whom he was proud of and boasted to his friends. Memories of past comfort, stability, old pleasant memories will make you think about whether this is love?
The main task of a woman is not to throw tantrums, but to let go for a while. Lack of drive, adrenaline, fear of being exposed, greatly affect the sharpness of feelings. And they give a man the opportunity to understand, but is it love? All romance and imaginary love, maybe slowly but surely disappear.
And one day the door will open, and the faithful will stand on the threshold, asking to be taken back to the family. But do not think that this is a victory. It's only the beginning. You can’t bring down your anger on your husband, shouting: “Well, what did you walk up? "Irochka" turned out to be bad ... Did you not salt enough borscht? From such scandals, mutual reproaches, a man may doubt the correctness of his choice.
The husband has already made his choice, he returned, he realized that the family is better, and his arrival is nothing more than a request to let him back in and, if possible, start all over again.
The most common mistake many women make when dealing with infidelity is tantrums. It happens on a whim, as a matter of course. Scandals, showdown, tears, threats, sometimes even fights - these are situations that are typical in 90% of cases.
This situation "remained at the gene level", since the days of socialism. When a walking man was dishonored at a general meeting at work. And under the fear of being fired and surrendering my party card, I had to return to my family. The main thing is done - the husband in the family, but by what methods and with what consequences?
Today the situation is the same, only friends are used instead of the boss, to whom all the dirty linen is turned out, all family secrets are told. Many women go to blackmail, and any - with children, with their own lives. No wonder they say - you can lead a horse to a watering place, but you can’t force him to get drunk. Worth considering!
Therefore, in order for a man to fully return home, not only with his body, under the yoke of circumstances, but also with his soul, it is necessary to use female tricks. Women's affection should be turned on at full capacity, because it was her, in most cases, that the man was looking for on the side. And don't be afraid to look stupid.
Perhaps the man on the side was looking for sharing his own interests, therefore, you can start to delve into his hobby, perhaps even engage in it together. All topics that are discussed with the husband should be carefully chosen. Ideally, in this area, the man should be the most powerful and better versed than the wife. Men love to feel smarter and more important. He is the protector and head of the family.
Before you try to return your beloved husband to the family, you need to realize that the old relationship is in the past. They are over. It is necessary to build new relationships, in any case, even if the husband is the same.
In building a new relationship with an old husband, you need to close all your grievances in a dark closet and hang a barn lock. New relationships should start with a light heart. A woman should always remain a woman, and this is not necessary for someone, but for a woman.
You need to be gentle, purposeful, to be such a woman that not one man will miss. And even after getting married, you should not give in and relax - this is necessary, first of all, for the woman herself. Once this simple truth is in your head, no man will allow relationships on the side.
“The husband loves another, but lives with me” - often on the forums you can find such a heading in which a woman asks for help with advice in a similar situation.
And how sharply sometimes we can think or speak out about this, not assuming that this can happen to everyone.
But in fact, such a development of events baffles every woman. What to do if a loved one has another?
What should be taken away from what happened is that this is not just a betrayal in order to diversify the routine life if a man fell in love with another woman.
That is why the lawful wife should be especially careful in this case.
First of all, it is necessary to try with different eyes to consider everything that happened, to identify possible causes.
What to do if the husband said that he loves another, but at the same time he is not going to leave at all?
It is worth considering the reasons why a man is usually not going to leave his family, in more detail:
If you have the strength to forgive and accept, then you should endure and try to take various ways.
At the same time, it is important to avoid quarrels, setting ultimatums, threats, demands to immediately abandon the homeowner, said in a categorical tone.
Recall the immortal painting "Love and Doves", in which a similar classic triangle is considered. What attracted a married man in his mistress first of all?
Unusual character, beauty, intelligence, and precisely the dissimilarity of that other woman to a wife who is not only simple, but has also been thoroughly studied over the years of living together.
However, every man appreciates his own, native family, which means that he will return.
To this we can add statistics figures, according to which 90% of husbands again return to their legal and native wife.
But in this situation, it is you who should decide what is supposed to be done - save the family or let the husband go.
The fact that only a woman solves such issues is said not only by eminent psychologists, but also by life experience.
“He loves another” - these words do not just sound bitter, but also usually cause disappointing damage to women's pride.
Self-esteem in many cases falls sharply and hands drop by themselves. After all, in addition to work and home, the wife is responsible for taking care of the children and the husband himself, in many cases there is not enough time for herself.
But if there is still love and it is complemented by the desire to return the husband to the family, then the changes must begin with yourself.
What should be changed?
Believe me, all beneficial changes will become noticeable not only to you, and your efforts will not be in vain.
Having felt the whole taste of life and again becoming fragrant, smiling, you will again become the woman that your husband once fell in love with.
In addition to this, surround him with care, but not too visible. Cook delicious meals, give him unobtrusive and, most importantly, sincere compliments.
Finally, let him feel like a man. Not only women are able to "love with their ears."
Feeling his need, indispensability, realizing that he is needed here more than in another, alien family, he will soon be able to understand that feelings for another woman were only a momentary hobby.
If the husband loves another, but does not leave, then for the wife such a situation is several times more painful.
Firstly, serious torment begins, the search for reasons, and secondly, the woman is in constant stress that the man is about to get bored and leave her.
It can be difficult to accept betrayal, but such a development of events in which the husband does not make the final choice is much more difficult.
In this case, the wife will know about the other woman and morally will have to accept her. Most often, this is tolerated for the sake of children, prosperity, or simply fear of condemnation of relatives.
But if there is no more love and you don’t want to accept the humiliating development of events, then there is only one way out - to quit without looking back at the opinions of outsiders.
Such a decision should be made if you only want freedom, there is no desire to endure the situation, betrayal, the attitude of a man.
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Decide everything yourself, pack your bags and put the unfaithful hubby out the door. Take care of yourself and your happiness will soon find you.
The main thing is not to get hung up on experiences for a long time. As soon as you say goodbye to the past, new events will already be ready to enter your life, filling it with new meaning.
- My husband and I are 26 years old. We have been married for three years, no children. I met my husband while studying at the university. Then he devoted all the time to study, did not pay attention to the girls. Later, from mutual acquaintances, I learned that he had been unrequitedly in love with a girl since school. Then it didn’t matter to me, as I didn’t consider him as a potential young man.
Then we began to cross paths more often in the classroom, to visit common companies and, accordingly, communicate more and spend time together. A month later, they started dating. He called me all the time, called me for a walk, it was clear that he was interested in me. He didn't tell me about his past relationships, and I didn't ask. I did not want to climb and once again remind. With the girl with whom he was unrequitedly in love, they talked little: a couple of times they found out how each other was doing, and that was it. When I asked who she was, he said that he was his former love, that they had not met and now they are just friends. I calmed down and did not return to this topic again.
A year later we got married and all three years lived happily. It seemed that everything was like in a fairy tale: he did not leave a single step from me, I from him. Of course, there were quarrels and grievances, but everything was quickly forgiven. And now, three years later, he seemed to have been replaced: he became more thoughtful, cold. I didn’t understand what was happening, I thought maybe there were problems at work or something was bothering him.
When I asked what happened, he either remained silent or said that I was worrying in vain and everything was fine. And, apparently, so that I would not be nervous, he immediately paid attention to me and tried to be there. I decided to give him time to sort himself out.
It's been a month and a half and nothing has changed. This began to worry me a lot. I worked myself up, I constantly thought that he wanted to leave me, in the evenings it came to hysterics. My husband saw this and tried to behave as before, but I understood that something was wrong. I was helpless and didn't know what to do.
One day we went to his best friend's birthday party. By the end of the evening everyone had drunk a lot and became more talkative. I always tried not to control my husband, calmly let me go to men's groups. But that time I decided to eavesdrop on their conversation.
It turned out that his first love got married and my husband was very hurt. At that moment I wanted to run away, I was angry and at the same time I was hurt and offended. I didn't throw a tantrum, I just went home. Now I don't know how to live on. It turns out that my husband never loved me. He needed another.
I didn't talk to him about this. I don't want to ruin my family, but I still love him. Now I'm at a dead end and don't know what to do.
- Everyone was in love, only some started relationships after that, while others did not. It happens that something happens, after which a person gets stuck in a past experience. In this case, it may be a rejection that hit self-esteem.
A girl in this situation should not devalue the experience of living together and these relationships. Indeed, in the end, the husband chose her as his companion, which means that she takes a place in his heart.
The main thing is for her to be more confident in herself, perhaps to offer her husband to deal with the situation that worries him, with a psychologist. So that he can leave the past in the past. After all, a lot has changed in three years, and there is no point in dragging long-overdue relationships with you.
– Our psyche is so arranged that we always strive for the completion of any emotional states and experiences. If falling in love does not pass after six months (in rare cases, a year and a half), then the interaction with the person is not completed. And if it was not possible to complete them, they are postponed for the future, but do not pass. However, this does not prevent people from building new relationships. Often in a new relationship, people think that they have fallen in love with their new partner, but in the end it turns out that they just switched to someone else for a while. All this is temporary, and sooner or later a person will understand this.
In this situation, the girl needs to try to be more sincere with her husband, try to convey to him about all her experiences and feelings. You also need to look for support from outside: in the parental family, friends and specialists. Specialists can help their spouse let go of past love, but at the same time, the man himself must understand what the problem is and want to get rid of it.
Hello dear psychologists. Tell me, please, a way out of the situation.
I have been married for 2 years. I am 30 years old, I have a daughter from my first marriage and a son who is 3 months old in common with my husband. My husband is 10 years older than me. My problem is that it seems to me that my husband lives with me, because he is so comfortable and his heart is different.
It seems to me that this is his stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She is 20 years younger than him and lives in a civil marriage as a young man. For her sake, he is ready for a lot and is always insanely happy with her rare calls. He tells me that I am loved and she is like a daughter to him.
I can't handle my jealousy attacks. I constantly tease him, call him my beloved “Lady of the Heart”, get angry when he is not ready to fulfill my requests or fulfills them with great reluctance, they do not seem to him so necessary for our or my well-being. It seems to me that if she asked him for something, he would fly on the wings of love fulfilling her desires. My jealousy infuriates him. And here it seems to me that during these scandals he does not behave like a loving husband. Instead of hugging, kissing and saying “Helen, you know that you are the best!” he talks about how I have fucking brains and she is his daughter. And once, during a scandal, he said that she was better than me. Then the truth the next day added than. The fact that she does not carry any nonsense, the fact that he can be proud of her upbringing because he himself invested, but it doesn’t seem to me that he no longer brought up, but just had a pleasant leisure time. They went to the beach together when she was 14. In general, he loves to talk about her childhood and youth. And I really hate to hear it. Living in a previous marriage, he tried to earn money to get the child to school, living with me, he also works, but does not try to his fullest. After the death of her mother, her husband gave Natasha a gold ring under the pretext that he promised to give his mother an engagement ring, and he gives me cheap perfume, and for thirty years he did not congratulate at all, and his mother gave the gift. On the
On February 23, after calling all his friends with the news that “a stunningly beautiful woman will give him a son,” he calls her with the words “daughter, come to my house, you don’t know what’s going on in my head when I talk to you” and she laughed into the phone. I then said after that that I no longer love him and let's part, he was upset then said that he was terribly cold. We made up because I, too, became cold and devastated. At the discharge from the maternity hospital, when she came, I was extremely happy for her visit, they kept together all the time, he almost didn’t come up to me, only when the photographer said Lena and Andrey kiss. It even happened that Natasha took my son in her arms and he stood next to them and photographed them. The photographer was smart enough not to take this photo, he would have done better, otherwise he assures that this did not happen. With all this, he dares to assure me that he is loved by him, that he is the best because she gave him a son, he dares to pester me and call me Lapulichka. In general, he clung to me like a tick
I am a very beautiful woman, I think so because I very often receive bonuses in the form of attention from other men and small favors such as screwing in a light bulb on my floor when I didn’t even ask for it, but also all sorts of things like that. And women often tell me about this. I am not offended by the attention of other men. Somehow I asked without scandal why Natasha was better than me a few months later, and he replied that she did not fly in the clouds, and at the age of 30 I was like a child, although I was the mother of two children. And in general, he often reproaches me when drunk for carelessness and inspiration (I have such shortcomings) and that I don’t listen to him when he says something or asks (I have such character traits, they appear in communication not only with him I can catch on in thoughts for the spoken word to ponder the information received and inadvertently skip everything else, then I ask again what terribly I rage around
I can't handle the jealousy. I’m trying to move away, move away from doing household chores but at the same time be a stranger, but when I understand that he doesn’t take steps towards reconciliation, I start to break down again, tease and reproach. do not walk around with the face of an unsatisfied woman. It seems to me that marriage destroys my health, it happens that I can hardly force myself to take care of my children (especially his little son, who does not inspire me with maternal feelings at all, of course I love him, he just doesn’t make me happy, as my daughter once did in infancy)
Why am I not going to such a step as a divorce? There are several reasons for this
The first most difficult is, if not love, then emotional dependence. I'm used to and terribly miss him when he's gone.
The second is that I am a believer and the priest does not bless the divorce, but recommends saving the relationship - look after the appearance, the house, a good dinner, and even work on bed relationships
The third in a divorce, I'm afraid that I might be tempted, that is. to enter into extramarital relations, and this is a sin, I would not want sin in my life, although lately thoughts have often been visited that would find a lover.
Although if I think about it, I will also receive my bonuses from him. Before marriage with me, he drank a lot, almost stopped in marriage. He does a lot around the house.
What would you advise me in this situation? I read the book “The Charm of Femininity” on the Internet, I just started reading it, but I don’t believe it anymore. They write there that a wife can awaken unearthly love in her husband, but can she awaken it in him a second time if another has already done it. They will not build the Taj Mahal a second time for another. It seems to me easier to inspire an alcoholic neighbor so that flower beds grow under my window and empty bottles do not lie around than to fall in love with your own husband.
I am very interested in the opinion of a psychologist on this account. Help me please.
Sincerely, Elena
