Question to the psychologist:
Good day! I want to consult with someone, because I no longer have the strength to keep it in myself. I met my husband three years ago, he looked after me very beautifully, there were always armfuls of flowers, happiness in his eyes, we were in love. Ten days later they began to live together. Everything was just wonderful. It was the happiest time in my life. He is the first man I truly loved. Four months later, we found out that we were expecting a baby. Everything was great, support, love, attention. The baby was born, we were happy. He helped with the baby, loved us. There was only one problem, we did not have an apartment, and we rented it. But, since at the time of our acquaintance I did not work (I was on the stock exchange and received almost the same salary), but as soon as I got pregnant, the stock exchange ended, and I could not go to work. Because the tone was increased, problem pregnancy. However, I received maternity leave in the amount of the minimum wage. There was less money, my husband is a builder, and in winter it is hard to work. In the season it comes out very decently. The husband literally a week after the birth began to say that it was time to look for a job. Because he believes that if a person does not work and does not have a salary of 1000 euros, with a minimum wage of 300, then he is insignificant. Because of this, scandals began. At first it was just like a word sometimes called a fool, a couple of times after quarrels I sent him. And this is where things got tougher. Every month, the aggression grew. I can't go to work yet. Because no one helps with the child. In a week, kindergarten will begin for the baby, I will look for a job. About four months ago, his brother came to live with us, and since then my husband has been calling me various three-story swear words. I do everything wrong, fat (65 kg with a height of 176 cm), stupid sheep, as well as swear words (I will not write here) and other very offensive words. I am a bad housewife, mother, wife, person. Recently said that I hate you because your mother hates you. That it would be better if I died, they and their son would have lived perfectly without me. Always complaining about lack of intimacy. But after his insults, I don’t want anything anymore. I'm starting to hate myself. By the way, I have an even relationship with my mother, we see each other, sometimes she will sit with her son, but she doesn’t worry about me at all. Maybe he doesn’t call for weeks, and he doesn’t let him live with him. We lived with her this winter, after three weeks we were kicked out. My husband blames me for everything, says that I am a witch, I spoil him all my life. It's just that this is not a single such appeal of his, this communication has become normal for him, we have no other communication. I annoy him, he is infuriated that I can speak, he says that I need to cut off my tongue. Today he said, when I just wanted to make up my eyes, it's two minutes that would f*ck me now. He often says he wants to hit me. When he has a weekend it's hell, some scandals. And I'm so hurt, so embarrassed. He is the most dear person to me, he is our son. I don't understand why he does this to me. I can't wrap my head around how you can treat your woman like that. I cry often, I try so that my son does not see this. I often look at other couples and understand that something needs to be done. I really want to save my family, but I don't know how to cure it. He also had a hard life, his father, who mocked them, he is nervous, with complexes, considers himself cool, that he earns a lot of money, but he does not respect me. We recently rented an apartment, so he says you're nobody here. After 5 years, he will pay and rewrite it to another person so that I don’t get anything. He says that I have nothing, no car, nothing. All his, and will not give me anything, even the gold will take everything and the phone. He says that I'm only on the iPhone. By the way, there is order at home, I cook food every other day, by the way, even if I don’t cook, there is always food in the refrigerator. And he needs first, second and dessert. And I just don't have time for that. The son is very active and not obedient. I work with him a lot, he has been sleeping very badly at night since birth, I rock him half the night. Strength from this is not added, and understanding is zero. And I just want a friendly family, loving, understanding. I want to be admired, even if sometimes I do something wrong or something doesn’t work out. I just want to come hug, I do not have enough warmth. I want him to play with our son, which also does not particularly appeal to him. I can’t live like this anymore, I want to be loved, and not a woman who is addressed only with obscene words.
Christina, hello!
Relationships are always the responsibility of two people. And it doesn’t happen that everything is good, and one suddenly becomes bad, and the second is a victim. Both people are to blame for all the problems and misunderstandings in a relationship.
Only from your letter I have more questions than answers. Without being able to hear your answers, I will only assume. And honestly answer all questions for yourself and draw conclusions.
“Just a week after giving birth, my husband began to say that it was time to look for a job. Because he believes that if a person does not work and does not have a salary of 1000 euros, with a minimum wage of 300, then he is insignificant” - what happened between you at that time? What was the relationship like? Did you pay attention to your husband? After all - “The baby was born, we were happy. He helped with the baby, he loved us.”
Remember that time. It was winter and your husband didn't have a job? Perhaps he felt humiliated that he was not earning the necessary amount of money for the family. He needed your support, and you, perhaps, somehow reacted in the wrong way and did not support him? What happened then?
“Because of this, scandals began” - i.e. He wasn't just expressing his dissatisfaction. And you also expressed your dissatisfaction with him. I understand correctly? Perhaps, in the process of clarifying the relationship, you said something that greatly hurt him. So he began to "continue" to sort things out with you every day.
“At first it was just like a word sometimes called a fool, a couple of times after quarrels I sent it. And this is where things got tougher. Aggression has grown from month to month” - I can’t say that this is natural, but very predictable. Christina - a woman should be flexible. This means - sometimes to be silent, sometimes to transfer the conversation to another topic. Sometimes apologize if you said something superfluous. Did you apologize to your husband for what you sent? You've humiliated his male pride. The woman who lives with him and can be said at his expense sends him. So - does not appreciate, does not love, does not respect. This is how men most often perceive these messages.
“He says that I’m only sitting on an iPhone” - how often do you sit in it with your husband? Did you know that women's housework is not particularly noticeable. But if a husband comes home, and instead of communicating and paying attention to him, you are on the phone, this is not entirely correct. And it can be really annoying.
“He also had a hard life, his father, who mocked them, he is nervous, with complexes, considers himself cool, that he earns a lot of money, but he does not respect me” - do you respect him? For the fact that he earns a lot of money, pays off a loan for an apartment, provides you with the most necessary things? He's really cool and it's important for him to feel that you think so too. If you do not understand this and do not begin to respect him, he will treat you in the same way. Everything in a relationship is mutual. Each mirrors the relationship of the other.
Christina, I'm not trying to justify your husband. I just want you to understand what could have happened and why. After all, in order to understand what to do next, you definitely need to know what you need to work on. And you need to work first of all on yourself. Knowing his story about a hard life and that he is nervous - sometimes try to be silent and not swear with him.
Think about how good everything was for you. Money, or rather the lack of it, is a huge test for a couple. And not everyone gets through it. After all, it was this topic that began to destroy your relationship. And you both went too far in this.
“I want to be admired, even if sometimes I do something wrong or something doesn’t work out. I want you to just come and hug me, I don’t have enough warmth” - but does your husband have enough warmth? Do you admire them? Do you show feelings for him?
Most often, before you receive, you need to give. Do you want admiration? Give your husband the same. Do you want warmth? Treat him kindly too. Whatever you want, your husband wants too. Give it all to him.
Make a good habit of thanking him for everything he does for you and your son. But he does a lot. How often do you thank? Start doing it. Only sincerely and honestly. Flattery and deception are very subtle and have, unfortunately, the opposite effect.
You can invite your husband to talk calmly about your relationship. Thank you for everything he does. To say that in some places you were wrong and said a lot of superfluous things. That YOU would like to apologize for this. That you still love him very much and really want to improve relations.
Christina, as soon as you and your attitude towards your husband begin to change, your husband will also begin to change. And there is a high probability that you can still be a friendly, understanding and loving family. And now the responsibility is on you. Let everything take its course and wait for the relationship to become completely unbearable, or try to fix and fix everything. The choice is yours.
Or alternatively, you can wait until the baby goes to kindergarten. Find a job and then decide whether you need such a husband or not. When you start earning money for yourself and your child on your own, your attitude to the situation will change. Perhaps your husband's attitude towards you will also change. But, as they say, time will tell.
4.8589743589744
Rating 4.86 (78 Votes)Evgeniya26021995
Good afternoon. We have a very difficult situation... My common-law husband offends my daughter from her first marriage. I divorced my first husband in September 2015.
Since June of the same year, we have been living with my common-law husband. The daughter does not remember her physiological father and does not have any contact with him. At the beginning of Gr. My husband treated my daughter very well, we moved to another city from our parents (4000 km). Since we were just starting to live together, they had, so to speak, grinding to each other. He raised her strictly, because her grandparents spoiled her a little. He put her in a corner, sometimes spanked her on the pope, for not obeying, but after 5 minutes they were already playing together. But after some time, his prohibitions became more and more strict and, in my opinion, more stupid (don't jump here, don't shout, don't scatter toys, don't sing, don't walk here, etc.). Now, when I gave birth to my second child, (the eldest is almost 4 years old), he stopped noticing her at all, ignores her, tells her all the time to go to your room, don’t interfere, don’t listen to her when she tells him how things are in the kindergarten, on the street, when they sit together and have dinner, she gets annoyed at her, although she is already a rather disciplined child, sometimes, of course, she has pampering, but still she is not 15 years old to sit quietly and peacefully. We swear every time about this, because I begin to feel sorry for her, to intercede. Now she doesn’t have enough attention from me at all, because K has appeared a little one, she has become very capricious and vulnerable (she cries from every offensive word or remark). She says that we do not love her, and in particular I do. I don’t know what to do anymore ... My husband treats me well, he also doesn’t walk with my youngest child, he doesn’t cheat, everything is for the family ... But their relationship with their daughter upsets me very much, I don’t want my daughter to grow up embittered and feeling no one needs yourself. Now he began to spank her more and more often and already harder, then he would grab her hand tightly, then he would give a slap on the back of the head, he drives her all the time (Sometimes, of course, he has outbursts of tenderness for her, maybe hug and regret, but still drives her more often ... ). Help me with advice on what to do, because my strength is gone, all the time on the nerves when we are all together at home
Olesya Verevkina
Evgeniya26021995, Maria Vinogradova will reply as soon as possible.
Hello Evgeniya. Tell me - how old are you, common-law husband and baby now? Do I understand correctly that your husband works and you are on maternity leave? Say a few words about living conditions - is there enough space in the apartment for each family member (does everyone have their own corner)?
Have you tried to calmly tell your husband about your feelings (“I’m sorry that my daughter gets so many spanks and cuffs. It upsets me a lot, because the girl needs more affection and warmth. What do you think about this?”) And explain to him that your daughter is now should she be given more kind, caring attention, because she has already experienced some stress due to moving and getting used to a new person, and now she is unconsciously jealous of the baby and no longer receives the measure of love that she received before? That she can really harbor resentment and anger and grow up embittered, unable to build relationships because of this lack of parental support now?
Evgeniya26021995
Hello, thanks for answering. Husband is 25, youngest is almost 2 months old. Yes, indeed, I am on maternity leave, my husband works alone (he works from early morning until late at night and is very tired mentally). We have a 2-room apartment, the eldest has her own room, my husband and my youngest child live in another room. Yes, I tried to tell him calmly about this, that she is also a child, and that she also needs to pay attention. I gave him an example from my family that my sister has a daughter because of such an attitude of her stepfather, now at an older age, she completely ignores him as if he were not there. He does not understand that his current attitude towards her forms out of her such a person who will be offended by the whole world tomorrow, and this can all end badly (that is, as an adult she will choose the wrong men, seeing now the picture that is emerging in our family). More often, of course, I explain this in a raised tone, because I can’t watch a child cry because of him ...
Evgenia, of course, you yourself see one of your mistakes - an explanation with your husband in a raised voice. His unfair treatment of the girl upsets and angers you, but it does not get better from trying to talk. As a rule, adults begin to interact severely with children in accordance with their expectations: the husband probably has an idea that at this age the child should already have good control over his emotions and actions, be more responsible for what is happening around, unquestioningly obey the elders. Moreover, against the background of the baby, the daughter seems already quite mature and able to fulfill parental expectations. But this is not so: pick up literature or articles on the net that talk about the developmental features of a child at different stages of growing up - let the husband read what he can and what neither physically nor psychologically can a 4-year-old baby.
The second reason why a spouse breaks down on a girl may be his workload. You write that he works from morning to night and is very tired mentally - in this situation, his psyche is looking for an opportunity to throw out the negative emotions accumulated during the day and finds the safest way - a weak, defenseless and unresponsive child. Perhaps the husband does not even realize that he is not angry with his daughter, but, for example, with his colleague who beat him up the career ladder, or with the boss who shouted at the next meeting. And the girl becomes a hostage of the situation, forced to be the object of her father's detente.
The third option may be your husband’s dissatisfaction with your relationship: some nuances, household trifles, household imperfections or evening expectations that did not come true (he came home from work hungry like a wolf, and dinner is not ready) may well become a reason for a splash of negativity instead of you on your daughter ( I repeat - it's safer, and the husband feels it).
You need to choose a time when your husband is relaxed, calm and in the mood to talk, and openly say these moments, constantly asking: “What do you think? Do not read moralizing, but invite to dialogue. Ideally, your spouse (or the two of you with him) would do well to consult a psychologist - think about whether you can offer him such an option?
Divorce is always a difficult and painful event. especially when there are children. Unfortunately, children often become a bargaining chip in the process of clarifying the relationship between parents. Wanting to ruin the life of his wife, husband threatens to take the child away, take away, take away, deprive the mother of parental rights etc.
Dear readers! Our articles talk about typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique.
If you want to know how to solve exactly your problem - contact the online consultant form on the right or call the numbers below. It's fast and free!
Not everyone manages to come to a common denominator regarding the upbringing of children after a divorce..
All the good that was between the once in love spouses is forgotten, the need to bring the offspring to adulthood, without injuring them, recedes into the background.
Ideally, when, after a divorce, the father continues to take the child to training or some classes during the hours when he is free, this way he maintains communication with the baby and unloads the mother. Not bad if such a wise decision comes voluntarily.
Because with small children, then at the court session it is desirable to present a mutual plan for the future life, which will take into account:
But, in a conflict, it is impossible to link all the nuances of communication between children and their father, and then instead of a mutual desire to raise children in a normal environment, the confrontation deepens, a written agreement remains a pipe dream for a mother.
Sometimes the mother is against communication with the father who left the family, and most often it is the father who threatens the mother with trouble, because he wants to see him not on schedule, but when he wants.
The child is equally fixed by law (Article 80 of the RF IC). The father will be able to take the baby from the mother if he proves:
This gives grounds for depriving the mother of parental rights.
There are other circumstances that may force the court to settle the baby with the father:
Based on the interests of the baby and protecting them, the court will take into account all the pros and cons and issue its verdict.
Worst of all, if life has turned into hell, and the husband does not give a divorce, threatening to take the child for himself.
The court will certainly sort out all the circumstances, look at documents, evidence, listen to witnesses.
And it will be guided only by the interests of minor offspring in determining with whom it would be better for them to live (clause 3, article 65 of the RF IC). If the child is over 10 years old, then he will also be asked where and with whom he prefers to live.
According to statistics, after a divorce, only in 7-10% of cases, children are left to their father.
Husband's threats to take the cub are nothing more than an attempt to manipulate, here the child is used as an instrument of pressure on the wife. Even if we imagine that dad took the child to himself, then he doesn't have the time or the patience to do all the things that need to be done.
To ensure the normal existence of the offspring, need: wash, iron, learn lessons, buy food and cook healthy and at the same time tasty food (and not pizza and dumplings with scrambled eggs).
In addition, the court will examine the personal qualities of the mother and father, and no one will unreasonably take the children from a woman who leads a normal lifestyle. This is possible only in the case of a child.
Demanding to take the child away from the mother, the father, most likely, is guided not by the interests of his son or daughter, but by a sense of revenge, the desire to make his ex as painful as possible.
When the situation is tense to the limit, a woman should pull herself together and keep calm and sound mind to give no reason to doubt their moral health. The husband is only waiting for his wife:
You should not give a reason and succumb to provocations yourself– it is worth being smarter and thinking ahead.
In case of manifestation of aggression and dissolution of hands, you should immediately call the police and call law enforcement officials.
Wherein it is necessary to provide the presence of witnesses - neighbors, friends who will be able to confirm in court that the incident and assault took place.
Should try again talk to the baby's father and find out what he still wants. At the same time, it will be useful remember yourself that the man, the father of your child, has the right to see him, and if the child is older than 5 years, then take it on a day off. Interfering with communication, the woman herself is on the verge of breaking the law.
If the persuasion and exhortation of the husband is useless, and he intends to separate the mother from the offspring, then it makes sense to change the situation and go on a visit for two to three weeks, and better in another locality.
This will be a test for the spouse and an opportunity to see how he behaves. At the same time, you can’t climb on the rampage, you must always remember: the child and him too, he has the right to know how the baby feels, what his successes are in studies, in sports, etc.
Any on the part of the husband - cruelty, beating - must be recorded by the police by calling a squad to the house.
If the husband is not indifferent to alcohol or is a drug addict, then these facts should also be fixed at least by the protocol of the district police officer. All these measures will help in court so that the child stays with the mother.
Despite the decision of the court the former spouse may decide to take the offspring from the mother. Realizing that the husband took the baby without consent, the woman should:
The application may not be taken on the first day, but still the police have to file a case. If the police persist and refuse to file a case, need to go to higher authorities, ask and beg, but get your way.
You need to fight for your child legally, because if there is a court decision and it is determined that the offspring will live with his mother, and the father will come and communicate, then it turns out that it was he, the father, who violated the law.
In the case when it is not clear where the father hid the baby, you need to ensure that the child is put on the wanted list. The PLO must be notified in writing of the incident.
There is only one way out - negotiate with dad in a good way, and let the baby go for the weekend even if you really don't want to. I can’t decide on the mode of meetings - it’s worth trying to attract PLO workers. And if the court approved this communication, then further - only follow the court order.
Children usually love both mom and dad, and they want to see both of them. Since it so happened that the relationship did not work out, then you need to try not to poison the life of the cub even more, tearing it into two parts.
Often, women have the question of what to do if the husband constantly insults and humiliates, the advice of a psychologist in this situation will help to cope with the problem. When entering into marriage, a woman wants to be loved, to create comfort in the house, to give birth and raise worthy children. But it happens that a person who was cute yesterday turns out to be a monster today, from whose lips abuse constantly flies.
The wife feels humiliated, tries to find flaws in herself, eliminate them, treat her husband more kindly, but this does not work. Humiliation and insults continue to pour out of his mouth, often the situation comes to assault.
She would take it and leave, but the children are already growing up, and her husband is still beloved. What to do in such a situation, forgive and wait until he comes to his senses and changes, or pack up and leave an inhospitable home?
Love without guarantees from a man humiliates and offends a woman.
Sunday Adelaja
Here are the main reasons why a husband may insult and humiliate his wife:
Psychologist's advice is simple: if this happened for the first time, then you need to calmly ask your husband not to talk to her in such a tone anymore, otherwise the “conversation” will have to be stopped. The reasons for rudeness on the part of the husband can be anything, but he must control himself, so you should not silently respond to his insulting expressions.
You can tell your husband about feelings, about love, that such words hurt the soul and are very unpleasant. Communicate that you can change something, change yourself, but together, and if there is a problem, you need to voice it tactfully, find a way out together.
It happens that a husband does not want to react in any way to his wife’s words, does not want to change anything in himself, then this is a reason for a woman to think about whether she needs just such a relationship, and what more radical measures she is ready to take.
But, when the question of what to do is acute, if the husband constantly insults and humiliates, then this may be a temporary or permanent separation - a divorce.
The reason may not be immediately noticeable, and a woman will never change the way he wants. The couple has not been married for the first day, while the wife has not become worse, there are children and she takes care of them. In such a situation, the reason lies in the husband himself.
He may be dissatisfied with himself, his own career, salary, the team may dislike him. But he does not want to look for the reason in himself, to change himself, to correct the situation, it is much easier to break away at home on his wife. A wife can point out to her husband his own mistakes, failures, but there is no way out, you can only aggravate the situation, make him more angry.
You can take two steps:
If he has reached the point where he can humiliate his wife in front of strangers, in front of children, then the situation will not get better. It is convenient for him to solve his own psychological problems in this way. You will either have to endure, or take radical measures, that is, move away from it.
A man wants to feel superior to the victim, if you do not stop this, you can no longer remember your own name in the future, but he will call you whatever you like, and always insultingly. If, when trying to change the situation in this case, the husband does not draw conclusions, there is no need to call him names in response, he will not change.
He believes that she herself is to blame, finished. He's had a hard day at work, and she's on hand. Or had a nice talk with a neighbor, get it! Nothing to flirt with.
Some men regard beatings as the last argument to "convince" their wife that she is behaving wrong from his point of view. You can find fault with everything, even the fact that the wrong slippers were filed at the doorstep. Unfortunately, such behavior of men has been justified for centuries, but today a marriage of equal people is concluded, and not subordinates to one another!
Is male authority earned by beatings, and this is male wealth? But often the cause of violent behavior is alcohol, it causes aggression, which has no motives. You need to think about whether you want to live with an alcoholic in the future? The exit is obvious.
The man suffers from an inferiority complex, his career is at zero, he has not achieved anything, neither a position in society, nor a decent salary. A person who has not succeeded anywhere wants to feel like a master at home. If the wife tries to be independent, she will be severely punished, especially if she is higher in the career ladder and has an income that exceeds her husband's.
The husband does not need to look for reasons for beatings, he will find fault with everything. And often raises a hand against children, crippling them mentally and physically. According to statistics, tens of thousands (about 50,000) children run away from home every year, fleeing from parental beatings and bullying.
Approximately 2,000 children attempt suicide each year. A huge number of children sit in a juvenile colony for the murder of their father, from whose violent behavior they saved their mother or saved themselves. And to maintain such a relationship for a woman is already a crime against her own children.
If a woman is already interested in what to do if her husband constantly insults and humiliates, then the relationship has given a deep crack. But if he has even reached the point of assault, and does not hesitate to do this in front of children, then there is only one way out: to leave. So you can save the physical and mental health of your children, your own health, and sometimes life.
Dear women, what do you think, is it possible to forgive and not notice such behavior of a husband, if so, to what extent, and if not, when should action be taken?
“My husband is constantly offended by me and does not talk to me for a long time. This happens so often that I'm starting to question everything I do. I would like to stop this resentment somehow, to talk to him. I take steps forward, but in response only sullen silence. One gets the impression that resentment seemed to block his body and thoughts, completely fettered him. And it is impossible to push it. More often the husband is offended over trifles. What should I do? How to help him deal with resentment? How not to be offended by her husband at such a moment?
From the history of one appeal to a psychologist
If the husband in the family is constantly offended, this greatly complicates the relationship between the spouses. There is confusion, confusion. Quarrels occur more and more often, and reconciliation is more and more difficult. On the basis of resentment, it is impossible to maintain a relationship of trust, openness. Doubts and fear of being misunderstood force the wife to hide her feelings and experiences. There comes a time when, next to a touchy husband, the wife begins to feel insecure and lonely.
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand why it happens that a husband is constantly offended. What should the wife of her husband, who is constantly offended and silent, do? Is it possible to save a relationship if the husband is offended and leaves?
A husband who is constantly offended by his wife has such a feature in his psyche - to be offended. Not all people have it. Just imagine, if all people in the world “knew how” to be offended, we would not talk to each other for a long time, we would walk around gloomy, inflated. And they would only take revenge on each other for the offenses they had caused.
Sometimes completely different manifestations - anger, irritation, annoyance - we can call resentment. But that's not the case at all. Resentment is exclusively a property of a person with an anal vector. His heightened sense of justice serves as a kind of center of gravity to maintain psychological balance. And the main values - honesty, loyalty, decency, straightforwardness, the desire to be the best - like weights on a scale control this balance.
All relations between spouses are subconsciously weighed by a husband with an anal vector on his scales of justice. The family has a great meaning for him, because by nature he is a caring husband and the best father, the keeper of the family hearth. Concerned about the well-being of his family, he expects the same positive return from his wife.
And if suddenly the scales are skewed not in his direction, it is impossible for him to endure it - a vital desire arises to take revenge, that is, to restore balance. After all, “how it comes around, it will respond” is the main motto in his subconscious. Such a good weight of resentment is just in time for the wife to think about her behavior and begin to correct herself.
A man with an anal vector often becomes a hostage to life experience, in which the relationship with his mother and the experience of relations with the first woman play a special role. Since by nature a boy with an anal vector is not very confident in himself, he constantly needs his mother's support and approval.
And if the mother did not give enough, underestimated, that is, did not understand his natural properties? There is resentment against the closest person, which is often not realized. Further, resentment will be projected onto all women. And if the relationship with the first wife was unsuccessful and caused severe pain? For a man with an anal vector who has had a painful experience with his first wife, who cheated on him, all women will be bad, "I send ...".
And now the new relationship will crack, because the resentment that has settled deep inside will not allow you to fully trust your wife, accept from her and give her your feelings. Even if she is absolutely perfect - why be offended by her and not talk, her husband will definitely find it.
Gradually, resentment literally gets used to a man. As ivy wraps around a tree trunk and takes away its nourishing juices, resentment prevents a man from enjoying a relationship with a woman. And now the husband is constantly offended over trifles. Resentment becomes his property of character. A peculiar form of revenge, with the help of which he, as it were, broadcasts to his wife: “You treat me badly, I will punish you for it so that you remember for the rest of your life that you can’t do this to me”.
Being offended is a completely natural reaction for a husband with an anal vector. If he repeatedly asks that his favorite slippers stand still, the tube of toothpaste was closed and there was always order on his favorite shelf, and his wife does not respond to his requests, considering them unimportant, then how not to hold a grudge? Having received a sincere apology from his wife, an attentive attitude to his requests and slippers in his place, the husband easily gets out of the state of resentment, comes to psychological balance.
But if the husband is constantly offended unreasonably, out of the blue he finds a reason for resentment, and all attempts to please him are in vain, it's time to get to know and understand the underlying causes of the husband's pathological resentment. To do this, you need to understand the properties of the anal vector at the free training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Here we show the main mechanism.
A good memory, given by nature for brilliant study, is used incorrectly, and as a result, an offended man remembers injustice for a very long time, sometimes for life. Sometimes it is completely absurd - already in his life there is no person with whom he was offended, but the offense still lives in his heart.
And the excellent ability to analyze, systematize and generalize the accumulated experience (the qualities of a true scientist, a professional doctor in his field) in some cases leads to the fact that the offended man continues to put weights of resentment on his scales of justice already in relations with another woman. Scales break - and relationships too. But it was not she who betrayed, cheated or deceived. Why does he take revenge not on that one, but on this one? The new wife will personify his first offender, whom he still wants to take revenge on.
At the same time, it is difficult for a wife to maintain balance and act calmly when her husband is constantly offended, and even does not talk. Often resentment is accompanied by insults, humiliation. Relationships between spouses can be compared to two-way traffic. Therefore, the wife's reactions to her husband's touchiness are also of great importance and largely depend on what mental properties she possesses.
Often, paired with such a man, you can meet a woman with a skin vector. Her psyche is naturally flexible and switchable, opposite in properties. Focused on work, career, money and saving time, she does not always have time to put things in order and cleanliness at home, which is very important for her beloved husband.
Her husband may react with irritation to her flickering and constant haste. And even unwashed dishes will provoke resentment and a desire to criticize the “careless” spouse. Inadequate touchiness of her husband (after all, she simply does not have time to do this, because she is busy with more important matters) can greatly anger the owner of the skin vector. She may respond with a refusal to have sex, which will naturally exacerbate relationship problems, leading to more misunderstandings between spouses. All this can end in mutual insults and humiliation.
Often in the modern world it is found that a woman has both skin and anal vectors. In this case, the wife's reaction to her husband's touchiness will still depend on her ability to switch between vectors. After all, her values in the anal vector are the same as those of her husband in a good mood: honesty, homeliness. She wants to be a good wife.
But an unjust resentment on the part of the husband will certainly collide with the resentment of the wife. And then both offended spouses, in the desire to take revenge, may not talk from several hours to several days. Have you met such couples?
“… And… we are together again! What a blessing to be able to do the work on the bugs where it needs to be done! When there is time to fix everything, start over. Family saved! The divorce petition has been destroyed. And just like the Phoenix bird is reborn from the ashes, so our relationship has come back to life!
We celebrate every month our reunion and the decision to build a new relationship. It's already sixth! We get to know each other again, and it's great! I love my husband! I didn't miss this feeling. And most of all I want to give him as much happiness as possible!!! I know that there is no limit to development and I am suffocating with anticipation. All relationships between people are based on emotional connections ... "
