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Help me please! I'm 15. At home, constant scandals, swearing, it's already impossible! Scandals began about a year ago and have continued every day since then. We live together: mother, sister and me. If someone starts to get nervous, just like that, or a stressful situation arises. For example, a glass broke, someone pushed someone, something broke, then everything is END OF THE WORLD! And then it started, creature, so that you die, I curse, bitch, f*ck. Well, is it really possible, but we are native people, I have already explained a hundred times. I already freaked out myself, became nervous over trifles. Mom called me a creature, rubbish, why the fuck did I touch them, that I'm constantly screaming because I accidentally broke the crystals for the chandelier, but they can be changed in the store (they had such cases). I told her that how her conscience allows her to say such things to me, but she insulted me more than ever, swore, and my sister immediately took a rolling pin and hit her on the head (a day has passed, it still hurts). Mom said that I didn’t have the right to tell her anything at all, and if she wanted to, she could even kill me and nothing would happen to her (in one of these scandals, she swung a knife at me, and I pushed her away so that she fell and then she she also said that I am shameless scum, because I beat her (the main scandals are started by my mother and sister, and I constantly apologize for screaming in hysterics and supposedly I started a scandal, simply because I sing and want attention to myself to attract). .
Tell me, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Already impossible. Help!
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Sasha, age: 15 / 07/06/2015

Responses:

Hello Sasha. With such an attitude, it’s better not to get involved in scandals out of harm’s way, as soon as screams begin, turn around and leave, no need to argue, argue, prove something, it’s useless, and vice versa, passions flare up more than ever. Try to find a close person to whom you can talk out, maybe it's one of the relatives, or a friend, girlfriend. In the future, go to study, you can go to live in a hostel, and there you will get married, go to live with your husband / with your husband. Do not be discouraged, all this is temporary, endure a difficult period.

Irina, age: 07/27/2015

Hello Alexandra! I advise you to contact the church to the priest and tell everything in detail. To do this, you just need to come to the temple and ask when there will be an opportunity to talk with the priest, they say you need life advice. You can also call the teen psychological support hotline. Try to find the strength in yourself to be friendly towards your mother and sister. Try not to respond to their attacks and insults, if you are guilty, admit your guilt. I think it's not every day someone pushes someone or things break. Treat things with care if your mother brings you up alone, of course, every spoiled thing is like a knife to the heart. It's summer now, try to find some hobby, friends, maybe a small income like handing out leaflets... Try to be helpful and friendly at home. Don't shut yourself up! Pray more often to God! Don't worry, everything will work out one way or another! Grow up a little more, maybe you will get married there, create your own family! Believe, with God you will overcome everything!

Igor, age: 32 / 07/06/2015

Sasha, honey, hold on. I want to hug my aunt and regret! It is a pity that native people cannot find a common language. I understand your feelings! If you asked me for advice, I would ask my mother and sister to pay attention to me and say that I want to talk. I would ask if they are satisfied with our life like this. If not, I would invite everyone to think about how we can solve this situation, to speak out to anyone that does not suit, warning that it is impossible to shout. And if they had kept silent, said that everything suits or arranges such a situation, then silently went to her place, prayed and made a promise to myself that I would try to react less to clashes, I myself would try to be tolerant and polite, ask God for help and believe, that everything will be fine if I do it. A conversation this set would say that it is simply postponed for the time being.
Sashenka, if you want kind words, then know that there are people who love you. And now I worry about you and really wish that everything will work out for you, scandals will end and you will live and feel loved.
Remember that there is a God, and since he exists, we are no longer alone! When I was once in despair, God's love saved me. I felt it, felt it and understood that I was not alone! God is love. Is he with you! Believe it or not, I don't know, but it's true.
Hold on friend!!!

Marina, age: 07/25/06/2015

anonymously

Hello! I am 23 years old and have a child. My husband and I argue almost every day. Everything starts small. My big problem with my husband is his laziness. As soon as he comes home from work, he immediately sits down at the computer, although he is at work all day, working on it. He practically does not play with the child, does not walk, he generally forgot about household chores. Yes, and me, does not devote time. Although the "marital duty" is present. When I start to present all this to him, I explain that he is also a member of the family, and not a separately existing person, huge aggression flies in my direction, not censorship, etc. ... There are also fights in scandals, after which I generally want to get divorced ... My husband reduces everything to the fact that he works and gets tired, although I know that he sits all day, and he does not unload bags! In short, I do everything myself! Doctor, tell me what can be done in such a situation? Tell me the right choice?

Hello! How long have you been doing this? How many years of marriage? How has he changed in marriage? Write in detail what you want him to do, and what you are ready to forgive him and do it yourself, i.e. perfect picture in your understanding? Does he raise ruui on Aas or do you also give him a physical rebuff? I'm waiting for a more detailed description.

anonymously

At first there were quarrels, then, as I became pregnant, scandals and reproaches began. But they reconciled quickly. But when the child was born, my life turned into a stress and a nightmare! At first, my husband helped, and then he dumped household chores and caring for the child on me. No one helps me with the child, because. we live alone, our parents are in a different city altogether. This is where it gets tricky to deal with! Because of this, there were scandals, name-calling, even assault, and more than once! As soon as everything settles down, so the husband begins to put up, says that he loves! And so, every time, everything goes in a circle! we will soon have 2 years of marriage, and if you look back at the year behind, then it is sad for me, because. there was nothing good in it, only scandals, stresses. I don’t need much from my husband, only to help around the house and with the child, so that I can have some kind of rest!

Hello! From the very beginning, you had problems in relationships and you closed your eyes, put up and did not draw conclusions, what you were hoping for. I don’t want to upset you, but what you have now is also your mistake, you certainly didn’t deserve such a fate, but you yourself provoked such an attitude towards yourself, allowing you to repeat the same problems and solve them in the same way. The birth of a child for such men is not a solution to a problem or an impetus to change and be better. On your part, you need to learn to respect yourself and radically change the situation. I did not see that you want your husband to stop raising his hand to you or something like that. You just want to relax sometimes ... Yes, you are tired both mentally and physically, the baby takes a lot of time and effort. Get together and think over everything and of course you need to talk with your husband and learn how to defend yourself and not allow physical impact, this is not acceptable. Soon the baby will begin to understand everything and take on the model of parental attitude. Learn to respect yourself and teach your husband! I didn’t quite understand what it means when everything is settled, the husband begins to put up??? He swears, raises his hand, and after all he is in a good mood and puts up with you??? How can you put up with him and this in general, and it's only been 2 years since the wedding, and what can he afford next ?? Think about the future the day before .... Good luck to you.

Quarreling- a natural process that occurs during communication. They can clarify many points that should not be hushed up to save the family. Problems begin when feuds occur in the family for the slightest reason. Spouses violate each other's boundaries, turn to insults.

Why do spouses fight?

This is not about formal occasions like socks scattered around the room and other nonsense. Any scandal is based on one of the weighty reasons.

1. The desire to prove to the partner their own superiority. It would seem, what kind of competition can there be between the closest people? Unfortunately, in a soviet family, consisting of those who grew up in a lack of attention from their parents, this phenomenon is not uncommon. Those born in the USSR developed a certain personality type. Although they were instilled with the value of preserving the marriage at all costs, they were not explained why and how exactly.
2. The desire to convince a partner. The same soviet mentality, if only one person in the family has it, can become a serious problem. Any nonsense can cause a scandal. For example, the head of the family may have a constant fear of living dearly because of what others think. And his wife and children at the same time want a better car and go to the sea once a year. Even if income allows, for a man with a Soviet mindset, this can be a way out of his comfort zone.
3. Subconscious desire to divorce. Alas, the psychology of relationships and wisdom, the ability to save marriage in schools are not taught. Therefore, when difficulties arise, the first thought for many is to break off relations. At the same time, a child or material difficulties can stop, so you have to endure. But discontent accumulates and results in a constant cycle of scandal-silence-reconciliation.

After the birth of a child, the whole family experiences constant stress, which exacerbates all previously hushed up problems, scandals begin because of nonsense. That is why marriages often fall apart during this period. A couples consultation with a psychologist in Yekaterinburg can be a good solution, but he will not do all the work for you.

What to do if scandals become permanent

Most importantly: be patient. Remember why you once chose this person. All these positive qualities are still alive in him! Now take three steps towards reconciliation.

1. If there are scandals in the family, and the child is to blame, sit down at the negotiating table and clearly spell out the responsibilities of each spouse in raising. A woman may think that her husband should bathe her son, because that was the custom in her family. But that doesn't mean it has to be! In the discussion, one can understand where the roots of the reasons that provoke this or that scandal lie.
2. Never talk about the causes and consequences of family strife to parents. The constant stream of negativity will make them think that your family is worthless, and they will begin to convince you to divorce. Even when you make up, your parents will remember and spoil everything.
3. The cause of each misunderstanding should be carefully analyzed so as not to be repeated. In addition, it is important to do two good deeds for one bad deed. They quarreled - apologized, admitted they were wrong and went on a date to give each other a pleasant experience.

Do your best to get out of the constant cycle of abuse and reconciliation, learn to negotiate. If you find it difficult to do this on your own, know that Yekaterinburg is known for several psychological centers that will help you save your family.

If Love has not died out, it copes with trials, it happens that it even ignites, like a flame from that very spark. Love leaves - irritation comes, but it is not able to fight with problems, but can only accumulate them and chill out the “weather in the house”.

I will give a list of “misfortunes” due to which “earthquakes” and “volcanic eruptions” occur in relationships:

Incorrect distribution of roles in the family.

- Wrong attitude of one of the partners to another.

- Differences in outlook on life.

- Sexual crises, disappointments in a partner.

- Intervention of the parents of one or both spouses in the affairs of "children".

- Addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, chronic infidelity).

- Diseases (mental, incurable physical, mental). The need for all family members to adapt to a bed patient or a character who drank TV yesterday.

- The struggle for power and supremacy in the family.

- Communication problems in general (distrust, fear, lack of intimacy and frankness).

A couple meets, “grinding” begins, each shows his “presentation video”, tells who he is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Declares his needs and hopes, asks questions, important and not very important.

Have you ever heard a person entering into a romantic relationship say: “Over time, I will develop such and such disgusting traits, I will start to get fat, gradually become drunk and beat you fiercely?” Not! Nobody ever! The desire to please in the initial period is supported in all situations. This is the period - the triumph of the peacock!

At the beginning of a relationship, unwanted manifestations in the behavior of a loved one cause a slight chill of discontent, and rolling down the mountain of time, a cold lump turns into a rumbling avalanche. The first disappointment befalls us when we begin to understand that Heaven gave love as a gift, and it gives love on credit. And in order to develop it further to the relationship of spouses and parents, you need to endlessly invest money, time, health, money, heart, soul, feelings, attention and affection ...

There she is, FIRST REASON quarrels between lovers: skimping on all of the above, as a rule, the one who loves more in "Spring".

"In the summer" he also becomes the "author" of claims and reproaches in the midst of relationships, at the peak of passions. In the difficult “Autumn Times of Love”, the initiative passes to the one who is more difficult in a relationship, and reproaches and discontent begin to pour in from his side. He feels that in "Winter" he is destined to be left alone, and thus begins to protest.

After a divorce, during the period of “Winter Chills”, an insult settles in the soul of an abandoned person that even that little warmth and attention was taken from him, which, perhaps, was underestimated at a time when it was still possible to fix something.

Again, “What we have, we don’t store” ... And here the best solution is to decisively remove marketing from relationships, stop the flow of “mutual pains, troubles and insults” and remember the saying of the sages: “There is no better friend than a wife”, and give everything and a little more, until the moment when in the direction of this person “breathes”. Love will not turn into hate if we are able to wake up and see that it is time to immediately stop the "fountain" of reproaches and accusations.

Insults and scandals are dead ground for self-affirmation! In the desire to “drown” another, a person does not see how he himself is drowning! This is a war without a winner. Someone will say that troubles and troubles in the family come from the wrong choice of partner. But there are no completely wrong choices, because some qualities in a partner suit us, but not all of them annoy us.

THE SECOND REASON quarrels: a question of leadership in a couple. If the lovers are happy, then they give in to each other, they have nothing to share and nothing to “puff out their cheeks” for. Everyone is "main" in something of his own, irreplaceable and unique.

Closer to the middle phase of marriage, a reassessment of each other suddenly begins, misunderstanding comes, dissatisfaction with the partner, the ability to “hear” each other, the inability to agree disappears. There is already a full-fledged crisis in family relations. And now one exposes his opinion as a flag, and the other condescendingly, as "more wise", agrees to concessions, "just to be quiet." Compromise is no longer the goal, consensus in opinions is still possible, but more often, as I said, one of the two makes concessions consciously, driving the problem into a chronic state ...

Demands, claims and reproaches, ultimatum statements, sobs and cries are the main manifestations of the "Autumn of Love". And then our grown plant, instead of a juicy and tasty fruit, gives a seed of discord. He and she begin to find out: who slept more, who was more tired, who has the main responsibilities, who achieved more in life. As long as one does not suppress the other with his supremacy, there will be no satisfaction from victory over a partner. It becomes more difficult for someone who feels a greater need for love, for whom it is more important to maintain relationships. That is why he often gives in.

The ancients said: "A truly loving person does not strive for power, a flawed and prudent one strives for it." As long as there is tenderness and feelings, someone alone is in the lead and there are always fewer conflicts. This happens at the beginning of any relationship. In harmoniously developed feelings, a floating or flexible system of relationships usually develops.

Closer to the "colds in Love" there are fewer and fewer concessions, and more and more claims.

THIRD REASON quarrels: not the last place in the conflicts is occupied by the rather prosaic topic of the Family Budget. Everyone understands that money is fertilizer for our sprout. They require a prudent attitude and control. In a family, it is necessary to regulate income and expenses, and how this happens is in many ways an indicator of family relations.

Usually couples choose joint, shared and separate types of budget. But what if you work hard and try to combine all these types by creating three different piles of money in different places?

The first pile of money is a joint wallet, each of the couple takes part in replenishing it, decisions are made together on how to spend money. It is very convenient for people with the same earnings or families where one is dependent (50 years ago, it would never even have occurred to anyone to think that it could be a man, but in our time, alas, it doesn’t sound so shocking anymore, and many habitual norms have ceased to be unshakable!). And yet more often than not, the wife does not work.

The presence of a common purse relieves her of the need to explain every time why such an amount is needed for the household. It also protects her from thinking about the topic: “again I didn’t give out money for the needs of the family, paying for the “communal apartment”, the doctor and the child’s teachers. Is he greedy or inattentive, insensitive or sadistic? So, in a joint wallet, huge amounts are not needed. There may be a sheet of paper and a pencil with which the amount taken by each is recorded. From there, the child can take the money, be sure to report what they were spent on. Such openness saves many parents from frankly and unaccountably "borrowing" from their own wallets.

So we smoothly move on to the second pile of money distributed among “individual pockets”. Does a non-working family member (a woman or a child) need to allocate funds for living? Need to. Mobile payments, breakfasts, transportation - all this is considered and issued for a week. This approach allows the dependent to learn how to properly manage funds and not require daily subsidies.

If you don't like something - save or go to work! Only in this case, the “stash” of the saved funds does not turn into a serious fraud, that is, it is personal money, and not hidden to the detriment of the family. When the earner is no longer appreciated, thanked, asked for or praised, the “money toad” comes to him. It seems dishonest to the breadwinner that he gives everything to the family to the penny, trying to be open and honest. And if his contribution to the family budget begins to be taken for granted, he may begin to take offense. And there is also a completely indecent situation, when home bums also manage to reproach - they say, they could bring more!

In order not to bring the situation to such an absurdity or establish rules for spending funds, all these points should be discussed in advance, and not hushed up. Jointly made decisions related to spending and storing funds are an indicator that the finances are not managed by the spouses.

The third pile is the family piggy bank. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bank account or a safe deposit box, a home safe or a plastic bag taped behind a picture - the main thing is that “we are all saving money together!”. It can be the House, and the car, or someone's education, or even a "rainy day" - it doesn't matter. It is important that - "we", that - "together"!

A friendly decision is a good indicator of the solution of the material issue in the family, and blackmail with money is the desire to suppress, solve one's problems and complexes at the expense of a loved one.

THE FOURTH REASON to clarify the relationship - non-observance of moral principles. Couples are often destroyed due to violations of marital fidelity and family ethics. This point is always a cause for scandal and rebellion. Only in "Winter", when there is nothing more to swear about, does everyone involved in the divorce see the meaninglessness of claims and excuses. This also includes emerging hostile feelings - hatred, discontent, irritation, often due to the contradictory nature of human feelings. When you are dissatisfied with a partner, you find reasons for nit-picking in everything. Everything irritates: manners, behavior in everyday life, character traits, personality traits. “You’re not standing like that, you’re not lying here!”

At the beginning of a relationship, usually one of the couple distances themselves, takes time to “dump steam”, and with long-term cohabitation, psychological compatibility problems creep out like cockroaches on a white sheet. One behaves negatively, the other also “grows” hostility in himself.

I can advise you to set the control of your own emotions and irritation. It is important to learn to accept the personality traits of a spouse as an objective reality, to understand that much cannot be changed. I recommend that at the very beginning of a relationship, take a closer look at your future marriage partner, and after the wedding close your eyes to a lot.

"Not! Never!" - the main slogan of wives and husbands in the "Autumn season of love." The desire to contradict and object is a beacon that tells you that love is leaving. It is important to consciously maintain the desire for unity.

Hot anger, cold anger, restrained anger - everything is bad. Try both to “hold your tongue”, “bite your lip”, take water in your mouth, count to ten or a hundred. I recommend each time to clarify what annoyed, ask what exactly the noisy person wants.

REASON FIVE: two loving people may have a conflict in a state of stress due to the difference in needs and attitudes towards life. Achievements in the profession and career growth do not guarantee success in personal life. I will say more: more often it is career growth that separates lovers from each other! So in this regard, one should be very careful and attentive, “do not forget,” as they used to say.

Dealing with joint problems together and remaining polite is very difficult. The most difficult thing is to find something in common in differences, something that connects and unites. Those who do not quarrel do not need to be reconciled. Agree that you will not swear, that there will be no screams and conversations at elevated decibels in your house. If your loved one does what he promises after five reminders, if he forgets about the holidays and your dates, and all the homework lies entirely on your shoulders, and his life goes according to your order, say OUT LOUD that you need help. Let him know that without his opinion and desire it is very difficult for you! Otherwise, you run the risk of soon turning into a “commander in a skirt” or a “boy-woman”. Distribute responsibility in advance, agree "on the shore"!

SIXTH REASON FOR DIFFERENCE: vain expectations. Irritation and resentment comes when a partner does not do what you would like. He will certainly express his claims. Children at a psychological reception often complain that their parents yell at them in irritation and insult them. And in the human psyche, over time, the so-called “subtraction” occurs, that is, the essence of the conversation and its reason disappear, leaving forever in memory only a cry and a face twisted with anger.

If you need something special, if you need to be understood in this way and not otherwise, you should speak about it precisely and directly, without forcing your partner to speculate. Tell him exactly what you want. If he does not listen to your words, then look for other ways to present information, think about the reasons, ask yourself questions and answer them. For example, tell him: “I want to talk because it is very important” or demand to listen to yourself. Does he ignore problematic situations? Do not want to fulfill their obligations? Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time by continuing to do nothing. Do not scatter impracticable threats, do not throw mud at him. If your words and actions do not lead to the desired result, then start looking at it, or rather, at your life in a different way: will it go with Him or without Him?

REASON SEVEN: insults and insults. Express your feelings, don't suppress them. Insulted - sit down and cry. Say that they offend jokes about weight and name-calling. You need to make it clear to your loved one how his words and actions affect your self-awareness. “Don’t lower me below the plinth! Your words are very unpleasant to me”, “Did you at least get pleasure from the fact that you offended me in passing again?”

When you want to reconcile, it is important that both are satisfied with the outcome of the reconciliation. One will give in to cut off the showdown in the house. He will remain silent, but the cause of the conflict will not go anywhere! It will still come up someday in the form of a very unusual scandal (we do not expect a loud expression of will from the "quiet ones") and even a divorce! You can not put pressure on the conscience or emotions of a partner, raise your voice, refuse to listen. The most important task is to agree with yourself and understand: “It will not always be the way I want!”. If one is silent, the other may be mistaken in believing that silence is a sign of consent.

It should not be considered who was more right. Remove from the vocabulary (especially during the "showdown") the words "never", "always". Say: "It is not necessary to solve this problem now, but I ask you to listen to me, I think the decision should be made together." Do not be shy to admit that you are wrong in the event of your unfair accusation, tell him: "I'm sorry, I'm ashamed, you're right, this is my omission." People with a positive image of "I" are not inclined to demonstrate their superiority, do not try to offend and humiliate others. The stereotypical attitude of partners “it should be so” often underlies misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other.

There are Women who are sure that they must remain proud, impregnable and cold. Do not drop dignity, do not show participation and interest in any situation. Even if the husband is not happy with success, he has reduced sex activity or (God forbid!) funding.

She sees herself above the "world problems", she is out of everyday life and everything mundane! She is a mysterious Stranger - "breathing with spirits and mists ...", woven from dreams. She is a gift, a flower that needs to be groomed and cherished! And this, she is convinced, is the main goal of a man’s life, that is, to serve and please her, blindly bowing in endless admiration, and she will condescendingly accept these honors, because she is sure that she was born only for them. And she doesn’t need to know all the affairs and other “baseness” of the material world - let her think about it ... this one ... well, how is he? Husband…

And then one day this “how is it? ... husband” gets tired of keeping an ice doll - he just goes to a normal earthly woman and finds his normal human happiness even in the way his chosen one looks at him happily eating freshly cooked cabbage soup.

We thank the IG "AST" for providing an excerpt from the book by Natalia Tolstaya "Love: from dusk to dawn. Resurrection of feelings".

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Scandals at home

Hello!

What to do if there are constant scandals at home? We have been together for 1.5 years, we have been living together for almost a year and we love each other very much. But, as a rule, for a week or two everything is fine with us, we don’t quarrel and we don’t even have any disagreements, and then any small, most insignificant misunderstanding can lead to a scandal. Moreover, the scandal is terrible: with tantrums, screams, tears, up to fights.

But no matter how many times I told myself that it was time to end such a relationship, we are still together and still reconcile. I really want there to be fewer such scandals at home and violent showdowns. It seems to me that we are simply giving vent to the accumulated negative emotions and irritation, but is it really impossible in a different way? Help me please. I want to create a family with him and be happy, but this problem is very disturbing.

Hello.

You write that constant scandals at home can be caused by the fact that in this way you give vent to accumulated negative emotions. If they accumulate, then in small portions they do not go outside, but are collected inside. If too much steam accumulates in the pot, it may explode. To avoid an explosion, you just need to slightly open the lid so that the steam can escape as it accumulates.

Observe yourself: how often do you not talk about your little dissatisfaction with something because you do not want to fight? Conflict is a normal way of reaching agreements between people who grew up in different families and are used to doing a lot of things differently. In the course of the conflict, it becomes clear who wants what and what concessions are ready to be made. If you do not allow yourself such small and frequent conflicts, your mutual dissatisfaction accumulates and leads to an explosion.

The first year of marriage is a crisis. At this time, adaptation to each other takes place, new rules are created for living together, so during this period there are usually more quarrels than in the following periods of family life. If you try to avoid quarrels, then many things that annoy you may remain unexplained and will then poison your family life.

What to do if there are constant scandals at home?

1. It is best to go to a family psychologist, together or at least you alone. Why can you come alone? Because in a relationship, a lot usually changes if you change your own actions. It's not that they're wrong, but that there are better ways to change relationships so that they suit you.

2. Ask your spouse and make your own list of what you would like to change. The list should not contain claims, but wishes to the partner, formulated as specifically as possible, for example: “I want you to warm up dinner and meet me at the door by the time I come home from work” or “I want you to give me flowers at least once a month ". The very formulation of wishes can be a daunting task.

3. After making the lists and after each of you has read them, you need to discuss what each of you is ready to do from the list of the other. You can start by doing one or two items until they become a habit.

4. If there are constant scandals at home, it is likely that everyone feels that the other does not hear him. Spend at least an hour every week on such a game: let each say what the other, in his opinion, does not understand and does not take into account, and the second must repeat what was said in his own words so that the first agrees that he understood him correctly. Phrases need to be clarified until the first one agrees, and then play in the opposite direction.

5. Have a husband tell you what a wife can do to calm him down when he loses his temper. Let the wife say the same. The option “just do as I ask” is not always feasible. It's about how you can comfort each other. Some people find it helpful to be hugged. Some - when they are simply listening, looking up from the phone or computer. Others need to be told something specific, for example, "we will decide everything now, you just catch your breath and start talking more calmly, I'm listening to you." People do not always know what can calm them down, but sometimes they do, and these are quite simple things. Exchange "instructions" on how to treat each other, if you haven't already.